Dating Pro Athletes & PTSD with Becca Moore

[00:00:16] Hello, friends, future friends, haters and ex lovers. Welcome back to another episode of Crimes of the Heart. I'm your host, Rory Uphold. And before we jump into today's episode, I wanted to share a couple of the things that I've been thinking about lately. 

[00:00:32] I wanted to talk about how so many of us often compromise our self-worth and our boundaries in the pursuit of love. I know I've certainly done that on numerous occasions and so have a lot of my friends and in conversations over the past couple of weeks, I've started to think about how and why we get to that place.

[00:00:54] And as a reminder, I'm not an expert. I don't believe in experts on love. I think we can learn from other people's experiences, and if this resonates with you, dope. And if it doesn't, ignore it, you know, it's all good.

[00:01:05] There seems to be a general theme amongst the times that I have personally betrayed myself, and when I say betrayed myself, I mean sacrificing my boundaries [00:01:16] are my own self-worth in the pursuit of another person. I've seen this theme with a lot of my friends recently. And the only thing that I can pinpoint is that we get to a certain place where what we want starts to outweigh. The treatment we know we deserve, or our desire for love is so great that it outweighs the kind of love that we're getting in return and then so many of us will go on to make excuses about this kind of love than what we're getting in return.

[00:01:44] Because in the end, it, it feels better than, than getting nothing 

[00:01:48] and I think when you've been single for a really long time, the pressure of singledom or will I meet this person and when will I meet this person and I don't wanna be the last one in my friend group to be single and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[00:01:59] And my parents are breathing down my neck about grandchildren or whatever it is that we can start to doubt ourself or we can start to doubt

[00:02:05] what it is that we've decided we deserve, and I had a conversation with a friend last night and I said, most people who want to meet someone or wanna find someone, they go into relationships looking [00:02:16] for love. And I think if you go in looking for love, you're gonna find it in anyone and almost everyone, because love is everywhere 

[00:02:23] and the problem is, is that we should be going into relationships looking for red flags. we should be looking for the nos, not the yeses. when you want something, you'll seek it out. It's like the idea of manifestation.

[00:02:33] And I think the weird trick about all of this, Is, you can want something so badly, but how do you hold that and your self worth in either hand, you know, how do you make sure that you're not going to give up on what it is that you've decided that you want? And for me personally,

[00:02:50] I spent so many years chasing little breadcrumbs, really avoidant or semi avoidant people, and I think a lot of that was to validate myself, you know, that we chase really hard because ultimately one day we want that person to realize that. We matter. We want that person to see how awesome we are. And I think what hurts the most about chasing those types of people is it's two, [00:03:16] two types of loss.

[00:03:17] One, very rarely does it work out with the guy or girl that we're chasing two, in the process, we betray ourselves because the only reason you chase people that don't already recognize what you bring to the table. Is because you yourself don't fully believe it. 

[00:03:33] An example, I met a guy after I broke up with my long-term boyfriend that I lived with in the middle of Covid, and we had such a magical first date.

[00:03:43] I went over to his house, and I don't normally recommend that, but we have mutual friends. So I knew he wasn't a murderer, and I brought a s'mores making kit because he had talked about having a fire pit in his backyard.

[00:03:53] And then I brought, the, were not really strangers card game, and we, we really just had like the best, most magical night we made. S'mores. We played the card game. We bonded, we went in the hot tub, we ordered Thai food. I spent the night, everything was like amazing.

[00:04:08] And I thought, holy shit, I've truly met the one like this is it. Holy. I mean, wow. I look back on [00:04:16] that and I'm like, that was truly one of the top five best dates of my life. I think where I went wrong was believing that one date is indicative of a person or an entire relationship, getting so excited about it and then investing in it as if relationship was already real.

[00:04:34] And if I had been of clearer mind, if I had taken off the rose colored glasses, if I had walked into that relationship looking for nos, instead of looking for yeses, I would've been able to clearly see, this guy might like me, but he's not ready for a relationship. This guy might like me, but he doesn't like me enough to make it happen.

[00:04:53] He was hot and cold with me, and I chose to focus on the hot moments, hoping that they would be warm enough to neutralize the cold moments. But he was battling with inner demons that I was never, ever going to be able to fix,

[00:05:07] instead, I clung onto that first date and what we could be. And I slowly but surely compromised on the [00:05:16] standards I wanted for myself in a partner, and I accepted less because I just wanted to make it work.

[00:05:21] I look back and I see a girl who prioritized me trying to make it work with this situation that I thought was ideal without really checking in with myself and going, Hmm. If it's ideal, you're not gonna have to try and make it work.

[00:05:35] You know, if it was so ideal, you wouldn't be trying to like, twist yourself into a pretzel or, or fit yourself into a round hole if you're a square peg. You know what I mean? Although, let's be real, I'm not the square peg. I would be the round hole, but whatever. and so when it ended, I had the loss of this person and our relationship, if you can call two months a relationship. But I also had the loss of a little self-esteem. Because instead of going, Hmm, this isn't what I wanted and this isn't what I deserve, I doubled down and I tried harder to get what I wanted from this man. And in doing so, I subconsciously told myself that I [00:06:16] wasn't good enough as is, that this was what I was worth, that I needed to settle for less and chase for more.

[00:06:22] And after a while, that does chip away at your self-esteem, at your self-confidence. And every time you set a boundary and you honor that, it builds self-confidence and it builds self-esteem.

[00:06:32] Ultimately, I gave this man power that he never asked for and he didn't deserve, and I did it to my own self detriment. So how do we hold desire in one hand and self-respect in the other hand, you know, how do we balance those things, especially when so many of us are carrying past traumas or hurts that make us feel not a hundred percent. A lot of us walk around not feeling like we do deserve the kind of love that we actually want.

[00:06:59] And I guess as a non-expert, you know, my opinion would be to try and get right with yourself before you reach out and try and get that validation or that love from others. Because in my experience, that's always been a losing battle and I know that that kind of sucks as advice because it does require a lot of inner [00:07:16] work and self-work when.

[00:07:17] Many of us don't want to be alone. We wanna be able to do that with somebody else. 

[00:07:22] And if you're listening and you have thoughts on this, I would love to hear from you. I would love for this to be an ongoing conversation because it is such a huge issue for so many of us in and out of relationships, and it even comes up later in my interview with my special guest. So, if any of this resonated with you, I'd love to hear about it. Truly, truly, please hit me up.

[00:07:43] DM me leave a review with a comment about the show or this part. you can leave comments on Spotify for this specific episode. You could email me oh, you could actually leave a voicemail on my new website. That's a kind of a cool feature. and speaking of, reviews, thank you to everybody that has rated the show five stars. I'm gonna remind you if you haven't done it, please drop me a five star rating and a review on Spotify or Apple or truly wherever you are listening to this podcast. I have a new website I just mentioned that you can leave me little voice memos, but [00:08:16] you can also see an aggregate of all of the reviews, which is so cool.

[00:08:20] And in fact, I got a new review this week and I just wanted to share it really quickly. 

[00:08:24] It is from somebody named Farmer Nads, which is hilarious, and this is what it says.

[00:08:30] Stumbled across this gem fell in love. I'm currently sucked into hour eight of this podcast just today, all day. This is such an awesome find. I don't know what algorithm to thank, but Yay. Take a listen. Um, I don't know what algorithm to thank, but Holy shit. Thank you. That's so cool. Although eight hours of me does sound intimidating and I didn't even realize there were eight hours of this podcast.

[00:08:52] That is crazy. thank you so much for listening and for leaving that review. Made my week and to anybody else. That hasn't rated or reviewed the show, hopefully that encourages you. Now let's get into today's episode. 

[00:09:06] Today we have a truly cringeworthy crime. It is so cringe it might make your stomach turn. And cause it involves dating a [00:09:16] professional athlete. I had to have on today's special guest

[00:09:20] She is a content creator and a hilarious influencer with well over a million TikTok followers. She's had public feuds with both food, God and Ben Shapiro. And most importantly, she is for the girls, not for the guys. I am talking about none other than Miss Becca Moore. Welcome to Crimes of the Heart.

CRIME STORY

[00:19:12] So true. Not, no. We do have an expert on that last line. I'm not even gonna lie, both of the guys I date, I've dated two guys that were hockey players and both of them had denture things too. Yeah. But neither of them have never seen them without, like they. Yeah, they've never taken them out, so I don't even know.

[00:19:28] That's disgusting. Well, now, you know, to make sure that my, they, oh my God, they never do. I think it's like so normalized in Canada though, like, because I would like both of them lived in Canada, my boyfriends or whatever, and I would tell my college friends about, oh my God, that my, like look at him without teeth.

[00:19:45] Like you can Google pictures of them without teeth. And my friends were like, like that feeling of like, no, Becca, you cannot date these guys. And I was like, What I'm like used to it, like, I don't know. I don't know. Like I kind of, I don't really mind it, but that's disgusting. Like when she talked about the smell.

[00:20:00] Ew, I know. I have talked about how I have a spit kink on this podcast before and um, oh my, okay. Okay. The last one I dated.[00:20:12] Did that too, but he like, and I, I thought, I like the idea of it. I think I liked, but like the actual like act of it. You weren't into it. I hated it because even after we were done, like I could, I felt like there was like spit down my throat still for like hours.

[00:20:26] Like, I don't know, you know? Oh wow. Okay. Just extra spit, like, yeah, yeah. Ugh. I, that has never happened to me. But however, listening to this, I was like, did this story Just cure me of my spit fetish. It might have. Might have, yeah. Well, what do you do when? Like, okay, how Like tmmi, like do you get on there?

[00:20:42] Oh, ASMO. I mean, after that story. Well, like I think when you're like texting someone like. And like we had the, I like he had the idea. He was like, what if I spit on you today? I was like, oh my God, that's like hot. Like the thought. Yeah. I thought it would be so hot. Then how do you like real, like how do you undo what you think is going to be hot?

[00:20:58]  once we started doing that, he did it every time. Oh, we hooked up. Oh. And I didn't know how to say like, I actually don't like it. Like, how do you say it? Oh, wow. Yeah. He did it every time. I mean, I think you probably say it after. I did. You did [00:21:12] Still at you, did you still You were. It was actually, it was the day we broke up.

[00:21:14] Like it was like the day you broke up, you were like, by the way, you've been spitting all me for hooking up with you. Like, I hate it, but Okay. Goodbye. Yeah. Oh, that's wild. Yeah. I did end up telling him, but I, I. Do this thing where like, I can say things like in a lighthearted way. Like I don't think he, yeah, I feel like your whole brand is based on that.

[00:21:33] Like, I feel like I didn't wanna tell him like, I actually like hate having sex with you. Like it's terrible. But did you say that? No, I, I, well, I did, but in a different way. I was like, I just feel like. You. It's all, I don't know what I said. Oh God. Hey, I'm thinking about it right now. I'm thinking about it.

[00:21:47] No. Oh, no. Okay. Switch. Think about birds. Birds aren't real. I don't think so either. Yeah, I've always said that. Anything else? so I guess I normally ask like, do you, do you relate to this story at all? And I would guess in some ways you do, and in some ways you don't. Yeah, I do. I honestly, I feel for her.

[00:22:04] Are they, who is she? Like, is she doing okay now? She, she is doing okay now? Yes. Does she stop seeing that guy? After they dated for a [00:22:12] little bit longer and then they broke up. He ended up getting transferred to a team that. Was on a different coast. Mm-hmm. And then he turned out to be kind of a fuckboy.

[00:22:22] They're all fuck boys. They're all fuck boys. Yeah. I've only dated two athletes. I dated a baseball player, which we have in common, which I would never do again. Me either. Never. What a capital F. No. Look boy, they are like the worst of the worst. I think I, when I see them on dating apps, I immediate, even if they're so hot.

[00:22:39] Mm-hmm. Like, I'm not even kidding, I immediately left like, say, well, cause you, you know that they, they've got. Like, oh my God. And they're so pretty. Girls. So weird. How pretty they are. It is weird. I do think it's weird that baseball players are like unilateral. Very, the hottest. Hot, very hot. Although soccer players are pretty hot and that's the only other athlete.

[00:22:55] I disagree. I think it's, I think, well to me, I like hockey players cause they're kind of ugly. A little bit like, yeah. Yeah. I think I like hot. I mean, I've never dated a hockey player. I also just. I've done a two athlete thing, they're banned. I will not, I can't either, cannot anymore. I don't trust them like at all.

[00:23:10] Don't trust. I also, my cousin [00:23:12] played professional football very briefly. Oh my God. And no, I feel like I had the inside scoop on that and. Yeah. No, that's a, that's a, oh no. Athletes should be a no-go. I agree. Like, it's not even worth it. Like what do you gain? it's just anxiety the entire time that you're dating them.

[00:23:29] Like, I don't know. Yeah. Well, I guess, okay. Honestly, I'm not even gonna lie to you, the crazy boyfriend that I had. Mm-hmm. He was an ex, he was like minor, minor league. Like, he wasn't even like, okay, a major, but like, He his entire brand. Like he started a clothing brand and his entire brand is like, I'm an ex hockey player.

[00:23:44] Oh no. And so like, I just go along with it in my tos, but really, like, he wasn't even he stopped at 17. Honestly, if you And he's 30. Hilarious. Yes. Oh my God. So I think it's just easier to explain like his vibe if I say he's a hockey player, but it's not like he's like actively, like I was never like worried about him cheating on me with, I mean, should have been because he was, you should have been.

[00:24:03] Now that I've heard some things, I'm like, you should have been, oh wait. What's crazy is I dated a guy and I found out like a year into dating [00:24:12] him that his two front teeth were fake. I'm like, wait, what? Why didn't you say that? Wait, he didn't even tell you for like, he didn't even tell me. And then like I was.

[00:24:19] Magically shocked when he was cheating on me. I'm like, that was the red flag. That was the red flag. Did you hide? Something like that? Like that's random. That's crazy. That's like a big thing. I think that's a huge thing. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. So if they have fake teeth and they don't, they're probably cheating on you.

[00:24:33] They're probably cheating on you, honestly. Great lesson. Great takeaway from down everyone. I'm serious. Okay, so I have. Followed you. You're brilliant and hilarious. And well, I'm just gonna say you're a comedian in your own right. Oh my God. And one thing that I was pretty shocked to discover about you is that you grew up really poor.

[00:24:51] Oh my God. Yeah. People don't know that. So boring. Yeah. well, I'm from Ohio and my mom was a secretary at like an elementary school, and she was a single mom and she had five kids. Wow. So she was making like 38,000 a year split between six. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we had our dad, we lived with our dad half the time, but he got laid off from his job.

[00:25:11] It was [00:25:12] in, in like 2008 recession. Mm-hmm. So we had, he was living on welfare, so we had literally nothing. No money. Yeah. None. So we. my teacher, my kindergarten teacher would like give me bags of clothes. I remember, like I didn't have, I had two older sisters, so I had to wear their clothes or like clothes that people would give to me and yeah.

[00:25:30] Did people make fun of you for that? No, because like I was like super outgoing and like no one really knew, like my friends, think people knew like how poor I was. Yeah. My friend I went to, like, I did go to the poor elementary school, I will say. So I wasn't ever like, it took a while, like it took a while for people to.

[00:25:45] Warm up to me because like everyone else went to like the, the Suburban Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elementary school. So they were all friends in middle school and high school. So people didn't know who I was for a while, but, um, once they did, I was like fully, like I spent my weekends like shopping at.

[00:25:59] Goodwill, to find anything I could, that like, kind of blended in with like the other, all of my friends. So people didn't really know and I would have them like drop me off at like houses, like a little bit farther away from my house. Oh. And like walk to my house? Yeah. Mm-hmm. So, [00:26:12] and then I got a job when I was like 15 and then, so I started Yeah.

[00:26:15] Making your own, making my own money. So did it affect dating at all when you were younger? Only in the way of like, I wouldn't have guys over ever because our house was just not cute. It was like, Imagine like my mom couldn't afford like a maid or anything and like she was like working full-time and five kids.

[00:26:30] That's so weird. Like now that you're older, I'm sure you look back and you, I mean like now I look back at my parents, I'm like, damn, you guys are just a lot better than I ever realized. Yeah. Like the fact that I, oh my God. I would not have had five kids, first of all. Like if I, yeah, hell no. I would not have one.

[00:26:45] I don't even know if I'm gonna have one. I don't know, honestly, but I would never be able to, like, I can't, I cannot believe. She didn't even complain ever. Like it was just cra. She never, if that was me, I would like cry every day being like, I don't have any money. Like, but no. Now I'm like, so Did it ever influence who you dated?

[00:27:02] Like were you attracted to Yeah, I was attracted to my, oh my God. Okay. Wait, this is actually funny. I think. Now that you're saying that, I think that does it makes sense what I [00:27:12] did because, so I immediately, the first second I could get a job, I got a job, it was at a pizza place. Like all like the cool guys in my school were working at this pizza place and I was like

[00:27:20] the boss came from like a rich family. Hmm. And he was like only working there, like, kind of as a joke. And he was like the general manager. And, as a general, I started dating him. I started, I was in love with him and I started dating him the second I turned 18. The bot and he was 26. Yeah.

[00:27:34] Actually that is a theme in your life attracted to kind of like authority or like powerful figures. I've always liked that. Or like someone that kind of feels like an escape, like, you know, interesting. I've always liked that. I have realized that I have also done that we tend to seek out what we want for ourselves.

[00:27:52] Yeah. Sometimes we're like attracted to people and, It's like, oh, I actually wanna be the rich man. Yeah. Like, I wanna be the daddy. I wanted to be him. Yeah. I don't necessarily wanna date the daddy. I wanna be the daddy. Yeah. Honestly. Well, I don't know if I wanna be the daddy. Well, sure, sure.

[00:28:05] But I do wanna, yeah, I think it was like, he seemed like an escape and like at the time, yeah. That was like, it seemed like the best I could do. Yeah.[00:28:12] then I like got to col. So then I'm the only one of my siblings that went to college, which by the way, congrats. That's, that's huge. Like the only, that's like the reason I like made it out of.

[00:28:21] Poverty. Literally I was living in poverty, but, it's just cause I run, I got a scholarship and I went to college. But, the second I got to college, I joined a sorority and I realized like, oh my God, I have to break up with a pizza boss. Cause everyone then was like, you can't be dating a pizza guy. And I was like, oh, you're right, because like that was too poor.

[00:28:36] Yeah, yeah. To them. Oh man. By the way, I could never even afford a single one of my dues in my sorority, ever. That's wild. Never. That's crazy. Yeah. And I go and I got kicked out. Wow. Mm-hmm. Isn't that crazy? It is crazy. I need to write a book about that. You do? I would love to hear that. I went to a really rich, school in Los Angeles for a brief time and I was like the poor kid at the private school.

[00:28:57] So I grew up thinking like I was poor and then I was like, oh no, no you weren't. Reality is like super fucked. I know. And I used to wear overalls every day. Really? Cause I like really liked them in different colors. This is before I only wore all black and um, people used to make fun of me. I'm wearing no [00:29:12] overalls.

[00:29:12] But what's weird is I don't think it ever really affected, it did not actually affect guys. Like I still, guys still were into me and I still know. I don't care really about if you're queer. No, it is it, I think it was more of like a A girl thing. Internalized. Yeah. Yeah. And then an internalized thing.

[00:29:25] I was definitely more insecure, but like I wouldn't tell anyone why, like I was. I had an ego for sure. Like, I was like, I didn't want people to know that I was poor. I wanted to just blend in. Like I wanted to like sail by. Like, I didn't want people to like know, you know? Yeah. Yeah. out of curiosity, where are you at today in terms of healing from toxic hockey Ex?

[00:29:42] Not good. Okay. Not good. It went backwards. Well, I was doing fine, I thought. Oh, okay. So basically we broke up in June last year, like on my birthday. Mm-hmm. And, um, That was his first time visiting me. And I lived in Nashville at the, at the time, and that was his first time visiting me. And then I was going back to Nashville for Taylor Swift and he booked the same weekend to go to Nashville.

[00:30:02] All by himself. By himself. And he is, he doesn't know anyone there. And he, he follows your TikTok. He had to know. I, I don't know. Yeah, he had to know. But I mean, he blocked me on everything when we broke up [00:30:12] because, He was like so shocked that I was breaking up. I don't even know why he blocked me, but, uh, because it's like the, a very, very sad power move.

[00:30:18] And I say power move in like, two point font. Like it's not a power move. Blocking's not the power move. No. Keep somebody following you. Let them follow you so that they, that's what I would do. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no babe. There are people that like, I'm still quote unquote friends with. I mute all of 'em, so I don't see their shit, but I'm like, no, no, no.

[00:30:31] I want you to see me thriving. You, me too. Watch, watch me thrive. Wait, it's okay. I do want him to like, Understand that. Like he literally put me through hell, but like I'm still doing okay. I'm honest. I was honestly doing fun and then going back to Nashville, it really set me backwards. Like, no, because I went back to like the place that he like yelled at me like on my birthday and like, it was fun, honestly, going back.

[00:30:52] But like, yeah, there was an undertone of my God, my ex-boyfriend was here like yesterday. You know? It was weird. Oh, weird. So you feel like you're still in it, you're still not over it. No, there's no way I, I have ptsd D it was like terrible, terrible, terrible table. But, I do, I've definitely made a lot of progress in like accepting 

[00:31:08] that like nothing I could have done would have made him treat [00:31:12] me or like, not like terrorized me every day or like, call me names.

[00:31:15] Yeah. in the beginning I was like, oh my God, I, I like, if he was having a bad day, I should have recognized it in the beginning instead of Going about my day, like I should have catered to him. And I felt a lot of guilt, like, oh my God. Like why? Why couldn't I have just been nicer to him like the entire time?

[00:31:28] But I've been in the, I literally have to do therapy every week. Mm-hmm. And like take all these vitamins and everything. Cause I'm like refusing medication because I have PTSD and I have like nightmares about it. And not to get dark, but like You can get dark. Yeah. Well you. I've heard you talk about the fact that you come from a long cycle of Yes.

[00:31:45] So women who have been in abusive relationships. Mm-hmm. And then you found yourself in an abusive relationship. And one of the things that I was really interested in is looking back how do you think that happened? So my mom. I growing up, when you're living in poverty, like abuse is like way more like a rampant to happen.

[00:32:01] Yeah, yeah, of course. Because you don't have, she didn't have a way out. Yeah. And she's been married three times, but her first husband, she had a baby and he, I mean, not to tell my mom's story and like exploit her story, but [00:32:12] like, she had to escape the marriage. Mm-hmm. And like he found her at her sister's house.

[00:32:16] So she had to live in a DV shelter. Yeah. A domestic violence shelter. And, um, just to hide from this guy that she was like married to. And she was only 20 at the time. Wow. So, damn, every marriage after that seemed better. it was like, oh, he had a little bit more money and he like, wasn't scary at first.

[00:32:32] And then my dad seemed better at first too. Like, and now I know that that wasn't the case. In the end it wasn't. But like in the beginning they all, each seem a little bit better. And then when I went through and then my sister went through the same thing and she still hasn't gotten out of it, 

[00:32:45] but watching that and it's so crazy how I could identify, even as a kid, I was like, mom, these men are treating you so bad. Like stop it. Like you need to get out. And then I would get frustrated with my mom and then I watched my sister go through the same thing who I like idolized my sister. She was gorgeous and like popular at high school.

[00:33:00] And like everyone loved her. And then like watching her like entire light get like taken away from her slowly. And like that is such an accurate description. Getting your light taken away. Yeah, it and it's, she's never been the same. Like, it's [00:33:12] honestly been it's been like 10 years of this guy. No, that's like, been like, and, but I was so mad at her.

[00:33:17] I remember being mad at her. Not the guy. I was mad at her. And and then I found myself in the same thing, but thank God I am so lucky that it was so chaotic that like he wanted to get out of it as well. Like he. How I think he has a personality disorder, so he would like switch on me. Yeah.

[00:33:33] And then he decided that I was the devil on my birthday he was like, you're done. We're done. We're done. So he cut me off, which is the biggest blessing that anyone's ever given to me. Well, yeah, rejection is always protection. Yeah. Always. It was always the biggest like, and so then I started like asking questions to my mom.

[00:33:49] then she told me about her mom and then like, it's always been the same guy. Yeah. It's like we keep finding the same guy over and over. And my boyfriend is no better than, my sister's boyfriend or my mom's ex-boyfriend. My mom is in a happy relationship now, which is amazing. Okay.

[00:34:02] So there's hope at the Oh my god. Tunnel. And I love him. Like he's awesome and like they've been together for like five years and Yeah. but. Now talking to like the older women in my family and [00:34:12] telling them what happened, they're all like that. The same thing happened to us. Like, yeah, thank God it hap like, it's terrible that you're so young, but it, it's so sad.

[00:34:18] It happened to me. It did happen to you. It happened to so many people. Yeah. Mine got me too. He got what? Me too. it's fine. I, it's like it's out there. Oh my God. That was terrible. Actually. That would be Wouldn't that be very validating to see, it was validating in that the whisper network in Los Angeles is pretty strong.

[00:34:35] And so this was like not, I also, my superpowers, I always find out the truth, like I always found out the truth. So, we don't need to get in the details of what happened, but ver very, very toxic. And it ended and he ended it. I was so pathetic that I, no, it's not pathetic. Well, I say pathetic because it was pathetic, but I love myself and I still look at that person and I wanna hug that person that was in that.

[00:34:57] Like, I wanna hug little aurory and just be like, I'm so sorry. This is pathetic behavior, but like, I love you and I know why you're, I know why you did this. You know, like I know the grip that it had on my brain. Mm-hmm. And I was so like obsessed, like would [00:35:12] check his social media. Mm-hmm. The follower count, just everything.

[00:35:15] he immediately was dating somebody new. it started this thing in my mind where I became jealous of other women, which is so not my vibe, like at all. But, This is all to say that I was going to therapy twice a week. Like truly, like something was su super wrong with me. Like I just bad.

[00:35:30] And six months after that I got a call from a friend on set. She needed, somebody to be a, a body and like, I don't do that. But I, I went to her film site and. Did a solid for her. And I'm talking to this girl who was a PA at the time, and we hit it off and she follows me on social media and she's like, oh, that's our mutual whatever.

[00:35:49] And. That was the moment that I found out that he had been raw dogging her literally the entire time we were together and we could pull up our phones and we missed each other by like five minutes. then I was at a dinner party six months after that and I sat next to a girl and I said as a joke, oh, is that so-and-so?

[00:36:06] And she like went cold and she was like, that dude assaulted me so, I would, and [00:36:12] these are people that are so random, like random in random situations, I don't know. I get these, I, I do believe that that is my superpower. Like I find out the truth. And every time I found that out, I felt like a little bit more released where I was like, oh, these are amazing women.

[00:36:25] Mm-hmm. This has nothing to do to you. And, and I look at all of the like cult docs and stuff. Yeah. It's almost like the stronger you are mentally the harder you fall. Yeah. Like the, the, the quicker you get roped in. I understand the cult mentality, which is weird. I've never even, I've been watching all these cult documentaries and I like relate to falling for the trap of this guy into falling into a cult.

[00:36:46] Yeah. It's almost like that. It's like giving your own life. I was like, I was giving my. Feelings up. I was giving my everything up to make this guy happy. I was like giving up my own like self-love and yeah. I would do anything for him at the time, which is now crazy. I'm a person. It's so crazy.

[00:37:00] Yeah, it's weird being autonomous now, like where I'm like, oh my God, I can do whatever I want. Yeah. No, that is, it's, I almost wish that mine lived in LA or something so I could hear more story. Like I just feel like. he lives in a cabin in the woods in [00:37:12] Canada. Like no one, it's just confusing to me because like no one, like knows him really like mm-hmm.

[00:37:17] Like, I don't have anyone to relate to. So that would be really validating honestly. And like, he wouldn't ever like, go to therapy and like get, I just wanted him to get like a diagnosis of like, okay, I have this, like mm-hmm. Which whatever personality disorder it is. thing is, is. You can give that to yourself.

[00:37:32] I'm trying. Yeah. Like it's so hard. I'm like, I just am. I feel alone. Like no one, it's confused cuz I was living in Asheville and then I, like all of a sudden I moved to LA by myself and. it's hard to explain like what I went through. It's like, wait, you guys don't know this guy, but something crazy happened to me, like, I don't know.

[00:37:45] Yeah, yeah. It's just, well, it's hard. It's hard when you lose your self-esteem. Yeah, I did. Like, I didn't even know him. And then you wake up and then you're famous. Well, and people keep like, it's crazy. Like I feel like keep like saying all these things about me. They're like, oh my God, that was great.

[00:37:59] Like if I, whatever I did. This week. Like, I don't understand, it's almost like I am like Yeah. Like thank you for the compliment, but um, you don't know the real me, like this cult leader guy knows the real me. Cuz he would say I was evil deep down. So me, I [00:38:12] think I'm evil. Deep down. You guys just don't know yet.

[00:38:13] Like, that's how I feel still. I'm like, I feel like ev like all these compliments, like I don't internalize them. I only like. I still feel like he's in my brain somewhere. I'm like, this was the moment I decided we're gonna start going on Hot girl walks and I'm going to save you. I, I think I need, well, I think I'm doing better now.

[00:38:28] It's just like, it was that weekend, like the Nashville weekend, but of course. Do you date at all or are you still No. You are dating. Yeah. Not like she's back, baby, but only like first dates. We still on Rat yet, or, yeah. Okay. Come on. Okay. Do we do, do we do any of the other apps or, no, no. No. No. Wait, not, yeah, but like, I don't wanna do like Tinder or anything.

[00:38:47] I Tinder. R i p. Yeah. No, no, no. You had its moment. I, I mean for, I was on, hi. I mean, I'm now hat free. Mm. Are you single? I am single. Me too. Well, I go on like dates with guys that know are like real people and that aren't going to hate like my career. Kind of like I know. So how has that, well, What's dating in LA like versus Ohio or Nashville?

[00:39:09] I, I honestly like Nashville better. I feel like the guys are [00:39:12] hotter in Nashville. Like here. Like really? I don't like, TikTok, guys like, I don't like it. There is, okay. Nothing makes me cringe harder. No. Than the faux model dudes who bite their bottom lip stop. And then like, you know, they look and then it's got text over it and it's like, would you, would you?

[00:39:29] And I just wanna be like, wait, what is here for you? I wanna be. Occasionally that will come up. It's, and then it's because somebody's making fun of it and I'm like, I'm sending this to your mom. I'm going to, I'm going to use hacking skills. I'm sending this to your mom. She needs to know how embarrassing this is.

[00:39:44] your mom needs to pay for what you have now done to us. You imagine raising someone like, I'm so sorry, but are you kidding me? Or they're like leaning against a wall and then they bring up their shirt and it's like, I've never seen that 48 abs. I'm so glad that my 40 page is different. I report.

[00:40:00] Report. Please don't get mad at me for doing that, guys. I honestly think it's funny when I do it, like I did not choose to see this. This is so upsetting. Yeah. Or guys that like are like, I would treat you better than like Yeah. Or like mouthing [00:40:12] words, so songs or anything.

[00:40:13] Whoa. Yeah. Absolutely not. My ex-boyfriend would do that and I can't even think about it. Oh no, I know, I know. Yeah. So anyway, I, yeah, I don't like TikTok. I don't like, social media guys. now I want like a hot, like rich guy, but like he's kind of older, but I don't know.

[00:40:29] Yeah. Wouldn't we all but like someone who isn't really on social media but like kind of likes it, like doesn't mind when I that you do it. Yeah. What's your worst date that you've been on in la? Oh my God. Well, there's been a few bad dates. I'm trying to think. Wasn't there one, did I make a TikTok about one the other day?

[00:40:44] Okay. Actually, one I went on, this guy that showed up two hours late and he was drunk. That's wild. The two hours late and drunk is a, that's a fucking move. I didn't even, okay, well I wasn't, I didn't show up until, don't worry. I wasn't like sitting at the restaurant like I was just waiting for him to text me to leave my house, and then I showed up and he was drunk and then the place was, ended up being closed half an hour later.

[00:41:04] Can I just, the next time this ever happens, can you please promise me that when he texts you, you just will reply. Oh, I'm sorry, [00:41:12] I'm on another date. I shouldn't, honestly, I'm trying to think. And then another one there was, so I go on so many bad random. Oh, also, one time this guy tried to split the bill with me.

[00:41:21] And he was on the Netflix show. Oh, he was on, wow. Perfect Match. Is that a reality TV show? Yeah. Oh wow. Yeah. Is that the reality TV guy you dated? N I? No, I think there are a coup No, that was another, that was Bachelor. Okay. Wait, so what's so funny is I. There is a guy who I can tell you off camera, he just can't do this cuz I, don't wanna blow off my life in this way.

[00:41:42] Not yet. I will eventually just knowing me. So I dated, , at the time this guy was the Bachelor. I dated his best friend. Shut up. Will you please tell me I wanna say it so bad, please. I wanna say it so bad. Can I say it real quick? Of course. I know him.

[00:41:58] I was just talking about him last night. Oh yeah. Okay. I also know him very well because I dated his best friend who while he was on the show, who's his best friend. I have to bleep this out, Oh, I don't know. Yeah. So we are out. And I had never ever, ever, ever, ever [00:42:12] seen The Bachelor, never watched it. I'm like the only person, but I work in film and TV and I, it's hard for me to consume a lot of stuff if I'm like writing stuff.

[00:42:19] Anyway, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Fuck me. I don't know. I'm lame. And so he comes up don't know who he is. I mean, I know that he's the bachelor at the time, but that means nothing to me. Yeah. And so I say, oh, cool. Like, so What do you do? And he's like, I'm the Bachelor. And I was like, yeah, no, I know, but like, what do you do?

[00:42:34] And he was like, I'm the Bachelor. And I was like, um, still not getting it cuz I'd never seen the show. And I was like, so what'd you do before that? He was like, bachelor in Paradise. And I was like, oh, what did you do before that? He was like, uh, bachelor in Paradise, or, or like Bachelor or whatever. And I am, I'm going, wait, okay.

[00:42:50] And I think I kept asking for a little while and then finally I was like, did you ever have a job? Oh my God, did you ever have a job? Being on a reality show isn't a joke. He knew what you're asking. He was just trying to be, I feel like he was just trying to be like smart, but, but to me, I don't know you dude.

[00:43:03] Yeah. Like it's not, it's not landing. No. That joke doesn't work. I ultimately broke up with him because of him. Are you being for real? I am being [00:43:12] 110% real. He was around all the stories, the time. Yeah. We will have to, he was around all the time and there was this one time he would do things where, Oh God.

[00:43:21] We would have to go to malls because he wanted attention. It what? Oh, okay. We would so you would go to three of you malls would go? Yes. He was, no. What do you mean?

[00:43:30] I was he was always there. I can count the amount of times that I hung out with the guy that I was dating solo. On one hand. Oh my God, I have so many things to tell you. Dude. I have so many things to tell you. I cannot wait. Anyway. Anyway, you're um, I can't say anything cause it'll be identifiable.

[00:43:44] I know, I know. It's, it's such a, it's such a problem. Okay, well I guess we'll switch gears cuz I'm sure this was not fun for people to listen to. We couldn't drop any teeth. You'll figure it out as please. Yeah, you will figure it out. Why do you think people are scared to be single? Dude, I've been single forever.

[00:44:00] I don't, I don't know. It's awesome. Honestly. I know. I'm starting to feel that way too. Wait, how long have you been single? Um, okay. Well how do we define single? Like no talking. No talking sage. [00:44:12] I broke up with my boyfriend, in the, the guy that I lived with in. the summer of 2020, and then I've dated people since then, I dated a guy who plays in the Los Angeles Philharmonic for like six months stop bragging crazy. No, it's fine. Don't worry. He rejected me, so like, oh my God. Yeah. Do you know how bad it is to get rejected by a dude who literally practices his instrument for eight hours a day? Yeah, it's really, Ew. I know that's an ick for sure.

[00:44:41] He had a, he had a chess tutor. A chess tutor. Yeah. What? That's only, only like dozen free times. This is why I don't date. And this is a man that was like, he looked at me and was like, no, no. So just in case, just in case you guys are ever feeling bad, just know like, I, that's how I was rejected. I feel better, like, I'm like truly an expert in rejection.

[00:45:03] Oh my God. So, I mean, I guess I've been sick for a really long time. Yeah. Oh my God's true. But I deleted all the apps like two months ago. [00:45:12] Yeah. I haven't even, oh my God. Yeah. My stomach hurts from that story. No, I haven't dated in like solidarity. Actually, the last guy I like, Was talking, dating was the bachelor guy, but he, we went on a date and I got the, oh my God, I got the hick when we went to a flower shop after we went to breakfast and he didn't buy me flowers.

[00:45:29] I bought my own flowers. Yu, I think, what the fuck? Yeah. So I got the hick and I didn't know how to explain it to him like I have. I don't know. Yeah. Wait, what? I, that is so, okay. What's weird is you have your own money. I have my own money. Yeah. Unfortunately, I also came from like a traditional household, so there's this weird thing where in some ways I'm very modern and in other ways I also still want a guy to buy me dinner.

[00:45:52] I'm just a little girl. Things like, yeah. Like I want people to buy things for, sir, I was a baby. Okay. Well, he like it just. He was just an, and then I found out a bunch of stuff about him and like he was dating another girl at the same time. I don't know. So anyway, yeah. And he kept following a bunch of like blonde girls, like while we were.

[00:46:10] Supposed to be exclusive. [00:46:12] They kept following a bunch of girls. Did you ever bring it up? Yeah. And that's when we broke up. I was like, I got drunk one night. And like, I was like, why do you, I see I do that shit sober. No, I should have, but we weren't even on that level. Like we didn't have good chemistry.

[00:46:22] I feel like with like a good chemistry guy. Like you could like say that sober. But this guy was like, kind of funny. Oh no. I think that I was just, that's how I had my, my, my PTSD after Toxic Eye. Mm-hmm. Was that I was like, so, everything would rattle me. Yeah. And then I kind of like a no filter, radical honesty person.

[00:46:38] And I look back and I'm like, man, that's crazy. I imagine get getting the phone call where I was like, Hey, I've been noticing that you've actually been following a lot of girls on Instagram, and I just wanted to know it. What? That's, it's not crazy though. they were, they had like a thousand followers.

[00:46:50] why are you following? You don't never met these girls. Like, why are you following them? Like, I know it was weird. And that's, so he tried to say I don't know, they just popped up and I would be like, I'm sorry, Christie with 300 followers just popped up on your Instagram. Yeah. And he would be like, RO Rory, like, what do you, what do you want me to say?

[00:47:07] And I wanted to be like that. You aren't gonna follow more girls on Instagram. [00:47:12] That's obviously what I want you to say. Yeah. That's the only thing there is to say, like, yeah, why do you need that much validation? Like, I don't get it. And now me would be like, Just take the L No, don't even, you don't even have to cough the conversation or just take the L and just be like, this is what it is.

[00:47:27] End it with him. And if he wants to know why be like, oh, because I just don't feel like. We want the same things. And if he asks for clarification, I would say You seem a little non-committal. Yeah. And it's really unattractive to me right now. And I'm looking for somebody who knows what they want and that's me.

[00:47:41] Yeah. Oh, you know, that was like a good line. Okay, I'll use that next time. But didn't do that. I just got drunk and I was like, Why are you doing anyway? But yeah, you got drunk and you were like, ring, ring. I'm like, I miss you also, but I'm like, I just bought myself more flowers. Made me think of you. You know that mi Oh my God.

[00:47:59] That Miley Cyrus song. I can like relate to it. Now I can. Bam. Oh, but I don't, I never likes, I'm, I'm so sorry to you if you're listening, whoever, I don't know. But hopefully I'll, we'll have to try and send targeted ads to just very specific, specific [00:48:12] bachelors. Yeah. But. Yeah, my ex-boyfriend would follow girls and like anything that my ex-boyfriend does now, I'm like, goodbye.

[00:48:19] Like I'm done. I can't do that. The actual opposite. Yeah. But I haven't had sex in a year since in a year. Dude. The last guy I hooked up with was the bachelor guide, like the flower man. And it was an, yeah.

[00:48:32] Okay. And he's the only one I slept with this entire year since my ex, and it was the morning after we slept together for the first time that we went to breakfast in the flower shop. And he didn't buy me the flowers. And like think about like the vulnerability of the, like me, the victim. I'm like, I'm the victim.

[00:48:46] Think about the vulnerability it takes. I think we're all gonna think that you're a victim. Victim there. Yeah. I wanna tell the story on TikTok so bad, but I don't talk about sex on TikTok, but yeah, because. I want get a bigger, so Yeah, yeah, exactly. But yeah, I, I have a hard time on that app. And the Sex with My Ex was so weird that like, having sex with a normal guy was like even more boring.

[00:49:05] No, it was like vulner. It was like, wow, this loving sex. Like, oh wow, this was my ex, it was like angry, like, I hate you. Sex. Like, he [00:49:12] was like, mean. Oh no. Yeah. So then having sex with like a normal guy, was like really like loving and like, yeah. And then he didn't find any flowers and I was like, okay.

[00:49:20] Feel like, yeah, I feel like, um, what's the word? like, ew, like I don't feel like appreciated anymore. Like, I dunno know how to explain it. I was like, yeah, I think that. Okay. There's, uh, multiple ways that you can look at it, but to me what I'm hearing is there was a really considerate and thoughtful thing to do, and you had just shared an intimate moment with someone, and if it had been reversed, you would've done that for them.

[00:49:41] Yeah, if I was a boy. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that like, or let's just say, I don't know how to parallel this, but like, if it had been us and it, instead of it being sex, it was something else that had the same amount of Inten intensity or intimacy. Yeah. You would do that for a friend? Yeah. I think like sometimes it becomes this power dynamic between guys and girls and money and sex and whatever.

[00:50:00] And it's like not, it's not always that. Sometimes it's just, it wasn't the considerate thing to do. No, it's just not like, yeah, I didn't feel like loved, like I was like, okay, I don't like you then. And then after that, only guys I've run into are like, LA [00:50:12] guy. Like, I don't know. I just haven't had sex while I've lived here.

[00:50:13] I don't know, but. I think I, it's time like I'm, I think I'm ready. I think it is time. Yeah. So on that note, how do you slide into a dm? I just say their name, like, I'm like, if their name is Matt, I'm like, nah. A bunch of exclamations. And that's what you do? Okay. Yeah. How do you, I don't really slide into dms.

[00:50:29] What you just made me. No, no, no. Not because I'm like, oh, I'm, I'm so hot that they come to me. That's like, so not it. I think because I meet a lot of people in real life. Mm-hmm. Or through other people. Well let mean, do you have any friends that like I could do? Trust me. yes.

[00:50:42] We will figure this out. Uhhuh. Because I feel like I've heard you say on a couple of podcasts and things. I miss you and I just wanna say that I think that is such a, Clutch. Clutch. Move What? Saying like, I miss you. Yeah, yeah. Sliding into the dm. I miss you. Oh yeah, I did say that.

[00:50:58] Yeah. I think that's such a, it's such a move. I'm definitely very like love bombing, For sure. Like, I'm like, I love you because that way like it works being a love bomber. It kind of works like, yeah, because it got me, I think. Well, yeah, and I also think [00:51:12] that there's like a, is she kidding? Is she not?

[00:51:14] I know. And it's like there's a little like. A danger. Yeah. Like I scared a tightrope of like, is she crazy? Is she not? Id love to make about that. Scared of me. For real. You're like, I just wanna, I teeter on the line of boner killer. Yeah. Yeah, because it's like a test. Like if you can take it, then you're funny and you're fun.

[00:51:33] Truly. Mm-hmm. Like nothing. there's no bigger boner killer than somebody who, who can't banter or isn't funny. You know what? Oh my God, I, I should have said this earlier, A baseball player, like a big baseball player, like one of the big ones I get, I don't watch baseball. He's an major league baseball player.

[00:51:49] Yeah, very big baseball player. Yeah. He slid in my dms like a month ago and I was like, Fine. By the way, that would've been a really good joke, by the way, because they, so I saw players slide. Oh, okay. Nope, didn't think of that. Okay. It's fine. Damn it. No, it's all good. It's all good. Next time, I don't know, sports, I replied and I was like, uhoh baseball guy or something like that.

[00:52:09] And he didn't get it. And he was like, are you serious? [00:52:12] Question mark. Question mark. Like, you're gonna cut me off because I'm a baseball player. Lol. And I didn't answer cuz I was like, what a freak. And then he literally, a week later, he. Doubled. Doubled down and was like, is this a joke? Like, are you being for real?

[00:52:24] Like, you really don't wanna talk to me cuz I'm a baseball player? No. He's like, we're not all bad. Yeah, that's awful. People doubled down on like the intensity, the, the, the, that I can't fuck. Yeah. See that's, that's awful. Like somebody that doesn't understand. And then I was like, you know what I love I, he was like, what are you doing today?

[00:52:39] And I was like, Fi, okay. Yeah. I'm not even gonna lie, I replied to the double down thing. Cause I was like, maybe that was kind of mean of me, even though now I know. No, I was just being jokes. No, he's a pro hysterically. He's not the pro I, and I said, oh, I'm, I'm running on the T. Like, he was like, what are you doing?

[00:52:52] And I was like, I'm like really hot. Like, I'm like, we're running on the treadmill right now, like drinking green juice. And he is like, okay, well I feel like. You should know that running on Tul is like really bad for you. Lol. And then he sent me an article about it. Oh. And I was like, why he gun? It's been like, that's crazy.

[00:53:05] Because you were also running through my mind, which is a terrible joke, but it would've been funny and you would've had something to run with. Why are [00:53:12] you like, I literally like, I feel like I wish I could talk to myself, like, I wish there was a guy version of me. You know, just keep doing it and you'll, you'll find it.

[00:53:19] No, I can't. Like I'm done. I don't know, guys are literally like, I just can't do it. So what is your killer move? Hmm. If I, if I pretend like I don't like them, you know, like if I'm like, also this, that is sad.

[00:53:32] Yeah. I wish that that wasn't so effective. I know this guy ended up writing me a song when I, like, I heard that song. Let's link to it. I'll link to it. It's honestly really good. It's great. Like, I'm not even gonna lie, it was a banger, it was the sweetest song I've ever even heard in my entire life.

[00:53:46] But like, I don't like it. Yeah, that's fine. What's your ideal date? getting margaritas Love date killer. When the guy tried to split the bill with me Yeah. or Okay. Sometimes They'll be telling a story and I'm like, I think of an anecdote that goes along with it, and then I, like, after the story is done, I'm like, oh my God, I have to tell you this anecdote.

[00:54:07] and I like try to tell them like something that relates to whatever they're talking about. And they don't a, like when they don't ask [00:54:12] follow up questions, I guess. When they're like, yeah, , Oh, okay. That's in I got fired from my bartending job, which I think is the funniest story ever.

[00:54:18] And I always try to tell people that story and then if the guy is like, oh, okay. no question when they don't ask you questions, I guess I know what I mean to say. Sense. I'm gonna ask you about that. Yeah. Um, what's one thing in your self-love practice? Should I have one of those? I don't even know. Can you gimme one?

[00:54:37] Oh fuck. Okay. We're doing in part two and then, uh, I ask everybody this, but what is the best love or dating device you've ever been given? Hmm. Probably mirror their energy, like match their energy. You know, I am in my mirror era. Yeah. Or love bomb. You're gonna get it back. That or love bombing, you know?

[00:54:59] Oh, you are unwell. I'm obsessed. Becca Moore, how do people find more of you? I am starting my own podcast soon. I don't know what to name it, so let me know what I should name it. Vote I need for the girls. Yeah, I [00:55:12] know we need, I need like to make a poll or something, but um, it's just back and more on TikTok and Instagram and that's all.

[00:55:16] Until I have a podcast and on Raya. Okay. I don't know about Well, yeah, if you're hot. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on Raya. thank you for doing this. You're the best. I love you. I'm so happy I can. I'm happy I met you. I can't wait to talk Bachelor now. I know. I need to hear all the tea. I'm so sorry, everyone. Wait.

[00:55:31] That's fucking crazy.