The Gift of Starting Over with Amanda Thomas (Luv AJ)

[13:44:00]

Get professional help. Love that. Also, yeah.

Also, yeah. Okay, baby girl. I feel, I feel bad for her. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, I mean, the first thing I thought was, really, like, how could she have known? I, like, listening to that, Three quarters of the way through, I was like, when's the ball gonna drop? You know, it all sounded pretty normal.

Like an older guy not having social media, like, not that weird. You know? Although every...

Well, that's not true. I was gonna say every guy that's cheated on me has, like, used the not social media thing as a lie. But that's not true. There have been some that have just had social media and done it

anyway, but.

I mean, I feel like every guy has either an Insta or a Finsta, but still. Yeah. You're like, I don't really post much. I mean, the APM thing, like, come, come on. That's crazy. Yeah. That feels... Also, nothing happens at 8pm. No. Except for, like, your baby mama telling you to come home, maybe. But

if... Okay. If I was dating a guy, and he always had to leave at [13:45:00] 8pm, but then he would be spending the night, like, two nights a week at my house, I'd be like, he's not living with someone else.

He's spending the night at my house

two nights a week. That's what I was gonna say. That really helped his alibi. Of course. Because he's like, I'm staying here two nights. I'm like, what was he telling other chick?

He was telling her that he was like staying in town working at his, on his like apartments or his buildings that he was renovating.

Oh my god. Yeah, I mean, like he, he got her good. He got her good. He got her good and I get it. He was having his second baby, he was all bummed

on it. The second baby, the two weeks? If a woman walked up to me and she was that pregnant and was like, I'm giving birth in two weeks to that man, your boyfriend, I think I would crumble.

I'd be ashes. But it's also so crazy. You might be like, That chick's crazy. I, I know this guy so well. Who's this chick? But this guy's nuts. I'm also dying because... You know, the guy in the story is just like an uggo Jason. Yeah. And I have [13:46:00] a cutie boyfriend named Jason. So every time she kept saying Jason, I was like, No!

I'm like, he's not ugly! I'm like, Jason's

are good people. Although, you know the J name thing. Yeah, yeah,

true, true, but I think that really resonated with me because I think when you get burned by someone like that, so bad, where you're like, oh my god, I consider myself a smart person, I'm pragmatic, like how did this happen to me?

By an ugly man. Yeah. By an uggo. It's, you know. It's insult to injury. Yeah. It is. It's an

extra burn. You didn't just get cheated on. You got cheated on by an ugly. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so bad. I have

The like ugly man theory where I feel like women, so I did this. I broke up with somebody and I dated somebody and I thought he was safe because he was dating up.

Yeah, cause you're like, you're an uggo, so you're not going to rock the boat here. You're not going to leave me. You're going to be on your best behavior. You're so excited to have me. But no. Oh no, he didn't. [13:47:00] Uggo's are acting wrong. Yeah,

it's absolutely wild. And I was like, that's the hubris. The hubris that women have where you're like, Oh, the ugly guy is safe?

Mm mm. No, that ugly guy is going to do you so dirty because you're gonna get cheated on in the same way that a hot dude would. True, true. But you're just gonna look back and be like, No, that's the photo that I have to show my friends and family when they ask to see what that guy did to me.

I will say though, I feel like the shorties are acting right.

Short kings? Yeah. They, they, they're acting right because especially LA girls are such hype supremacists. Mm. Where it's like

Which is so funny because every girl in LA is either, I mean, they're like They're tiny. Either model or

they're 5'1 So all these girls are like, gotta be six feet and over, six feet and over, and I'm like, there's all these Good eggs running around the streets on Hinge on Raya that are not six feet tall.

I'm like guys. Sorry. What are we? I mean, I haven't been on them for a year now. Okay, but when I went on I was like, oh wow There's like there's definitely like a good little pool. That's [13:48:00]getting Emphasis on little. Yeah I'm going to hell. It's getting looked over. I feel like all my best dates are with shorties Like anytime I went out with a tall guy I was like I didn't feel like I was, like, treated properly.

I had a girl on here, Brie Essrig, who was like, If my boyfriend was six feet, he would be a piece of shit. Yeah,

yeah, I mean, yeah. It's really crazy. Yeah, I

get it. Which is so weird because... I've only dated guys that are like 6, 4, 6, 5 in the last year. Wow. And I guess it does explain some things because I'm now off all dating apps and I'm like, mmm, this was too much crazy.

I hit my crazy threshold.

Yeah, I actually did meet my boyfriend on a dating app. Which is shocking and even crazier. You just find the odds. And on Raya. Okay, actually. Which is like never. No, I've met

two gay men who are both in different couples who met their boyfriends on Raya. Yeah, I feel

like the gays have more success on it.

[13:49:00] But, um, yeah, I only went on two Raya dates for an entire year. My first Raya date, this is funny, he showed up, he was... Five feet tall. Five. So he was real nice. Yeah, I was like, okay, that's a little too much. Also, you gotta like, let me know. What height did he say he was? That's a tiny little tot. I mean, you don't have to say, Anriah.

That's the beauty, you know? You don't say anything. So he was

shooting at 0. 5 from below, making himself

look tall. Why do you want me to show up on this date and be bummed? Like, show me your little shorty on the thing, like on your photos or whatever. I

still might have been into it, but I would

have been prepared.

I know, so I felt bad about that, but I was like, it's going to be a no for me, dog. And then the only other person was my boyfriend. Wow. Yeah, only two. Was that

the only time? Had you been on Raya before that or

no? Never. I missed the entire boat of dating apps. So I was on the Raya

heyday. That's fun. It was, it was fun.

It was actually fun. My best Raya day.

Thank you. Uh huh. [13:50:00] Is

I matched with this guy, and he was in New York shooting Broad City. And I'm gonna, Jeff's case, love that. Totally dox him, but it's fine because we're, whatever. So, we message for a few months, and then he comes back into town, and I'm so hyped. I'm like, this guy's awesome.

He's so funny. He's so smart. Like, I'm so into it. Yeah. We get to dinner, we're sitting there, we're talking and he's like, what'd you do today? And I was like, Oh, I was looking at tiles. Like I just bought a house and I'm going to be making some renovations to it. He's like, Oh, that's crazy. Where'd you buy a house?

And I told him, and he was like, Oh, that's, that's crazy. I live in that neighborhood too. And I was like, Oh, that's wild. He's like, what street? And then I was like, Oh, I'm going to make up a streak. So none of you freaks find me. But I was like, Elmore. And he was like, Got really silent.

Oh no. Because

I live on Elmore.

What number? no. My neighbor. Turns out he was my neighbor. And you would think, you definitely didn't hook up with him cause that would be such a dumb move. No, I hooked up with him. Yeah, of course. I was like, let's just see how awkward I can make my life. [13:51:00] And I made it awkward. But it turns out that that guy is, he's like one of my best guy friends.

And the greatest thing Raya ever gave me was the friendship with my friend Nick. I love that.

Yeah, he's the best. Um, I went on a date with one of my neighbors. Ooh, we met on Hinge. Okay. We went on a date. You had that

location

set real tight. I mean, well like, this is when I lived in the Pacific Palisades, so I'm like, I'm not gonna find anyone here, everyone's married with kids.

Yeah, not under, yeah, why? No, and I met someone, he seemed cool, we went on a date, I was like, the second he walked up and gave me a hug, I was like, this is, it's just a no. Like I could, I was like. God. It was a chemistry thing. It was bad. sweetie, sweet, but it was just, it was, it was really bad.

Like, at one point he cried on the date. I've had two dates where the guys cried. What? He cried. He

cried. Okay, it should be said. Cried. If you are on a date, don't cry.

And then, even worse, we went to this restaurant and he was like, I'm such a regular, they have, a pasta named [13:52:00] after me. And he was not joking.

They made his signature pasta. It was on the menu. So. Was it just like,

with butter and parmesan? We ate was. He's like crying. He's like a little toddler. He's like, Oh, my macaroni and

cheese. No, it was actually, it was so bad. Oh. Which was so awkward. Cause we ordered the pasta. He's all excited. I'm like, okay, great.

And we try it. And I'm like, how? First of all, how was pasta bad? It was bad. It was like covered in blue cheese. It was really. It was really, really gross. So then I had to eat this, like, weird effed up pasta. There would be no way. While he was, like, he had his little salty tears falling in them. I'm like, I gotta go.

What was he crying over? He was crying over his mom. So,

it was really... Wait, do you want to come back and share that as a crime story? Oh my

god. Like, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, wow, that was awful. But, like, he was being, like, vulnerable. It was just like, bro. Too much too soon. Too much too soon.

Disgusting pasta. And then I was like, you know, send him the [13:53:00] sweet text, like, that was great, it's not a fit, whatever. But then I would see him in the neighborhood, we love to go on walks. Wait, so he's your neighbor? My literal neighbor. And then I'd see him walk in, I'm like, oh my god, oh, he tried to walk me home.

And I wouldn't let him walk me home because I didn't, I was like, he can't. You were dodging the kiss. But then I was like, he cannot know. My, the exact house I live in. Do you know what I mean? Mm-Hmm. . I was like, he knows the vis, he knows the street, but he can't know the house. So it was fine, but, oh, that's brutal.

R-I-P-R-I-P.

so going back to the story. Yes. Do you relate to anything in

that story? I mean, I most definitely relate to Jason. Um, but I definitely relate to the fact that, look, someone does you so dirty like that. Mm-Hmm. , but. I feel like, unfortunately, you can't just go on to the next relationship being hardened and thinking everyone's a liar.

I just, I just, like, at a certain point, like, I mean, that, like, [13:54:00] that happened for the plot of her life, and that's absolutely wild. But, like, shout out to her because she's got the best dinner table story ever now. That totally sucks, but I just kept thinking, I'm like, damn, really not everyone's like that.

I mean, not everyone's like Jason. Yeah, not everyone's gonna like, have a double life and like, lie to you and be crazy. For sure you could sort of Also, didn't you

straight up experience that?

I mean, yes, but I'm Yes! Like, literally, yes, that has happened to me. But I'm saying I was like, I can't let this harden me.

I can't let this harden me forever because, you know, I want to be happy. I want to move on and I want to find love again. So you got to at a certain point start trusting, but you got to put some protocols in place. That's for sure. Like what? I mean, let me say this. I ain't going on no trip. With anyone within the first couple weeks, that's insane.

Yeah. That was some like, false sense of intimacy. But, you know, like, she's young and they were feeling it. And, you know, I feel like we've all been there and [13:55:00] had like, I've done way worse. Had like first dates that last three days. It's like, no, first date should last like three hours. Yeah. And then you go home.

you go your separate ways and you hang out later. Yeah. You know,

like, You can't cram. intimacy into short periods of time. No.

so yeah, I think you got to like set up protocols. I mean, one thing I did like was like, she's like, I only see him twice a week. I'm like, that's kind of cool.

Like you don't need to see the person you're dating like five times a week. Two or three is fine. Yeah. That's great. You know, I think that's like cool. So I like that, but like, she's got to ask more questions. Like the Snapchat thing, I would have been like, That's a, that's a ginormous red flag. I'd have been like, I need to see the phone.

That's crazy. I need to see that phone. Yeah, also like, you're like, okay, next time I'm going to

Snapchat. I'm sorry, you're 37 with a Snapchat? Very, very.

For the filters? Very. My God. Very scary. Yeah, that's bad. I'm like, hey, if you're watching those daily mail stories on Snapchat, those are fire, because I love to get my daily mail in that succinct, amazing way.

That's actually my [13:56:00] lunchtime routine. That's hilarious. I sit, I prop my phone up, and I put the Daily Mail app on Snapchat, and then I just, ding ding ding, go through. And then I'm done with my lunch. But yeah, you, you gotta like, you gotta course correct. You gotta take, unfortunately you gotta take responsibility.

For how you didn't see it? Yeah, like sometimes I think when you get burned by people, I think it is important to understand like, you played a role in some part. Obviously, it's for sure. In this case, the guy's fault, like, most of the way. Yeah, yeah. But then, you know, you're, like, you're maybe not asking the right questions.

Right. Like setting up the right kind of protocols and barriers to like protect yourself too. So it's

weird because like I know your background so me hearing you say these things I'm like this is real and this is profound but I feel like people listening don't so do you want to give like a brief history of your,

Yeah. Yeah. I've actually never even said this on, um, a podcast before. Never given like the full rundown. Um, [13:57:00] so I got married at 27. I was with my husband for, we were married for like almost seven years. That's a long time. In

LA, that is a

whole lifetime. It's a long time. So I was married from like 27 to 34.

and then, you know, things kind of weren't really going well. What does that mean? It just was

Like you're fighting a little bit more? You're nitpicking? Or you're just not having sex? It's just, it's like,

it's all of that, but it was kind of like, we were just kind of like two ships the night. We weren't really like, wanting to hang out together.

Like, we weren't like, kissing anymore. It just was, you know what I mean? We didn't want to like, spend time and like

You were people occupying the same space, and you were used to a routine, and you were owning, like, yes, we're married, but it was more of a roommate vibe and less

than a... Full blown roommate.

So, you know, I just was like, I, I just can't, I can't live like this. I'm too young. I got too much going on. [13:58:00] So I was like, alright, I'm pulling the cord. Like, I'm out. And he was like, no, no. Are you sure? And I'm like, yeah. Wow, so you did that... Yeah, like I don't think, I don't think he was necessarily going to pull the cord, but I did.

We get divorced, we're cordial, we're still sharing an office. And then I find out that he is in a relationship with my former best friend. And then a... child appears.

What? Wait. I did not know about that part. I just knew that your husband was potentially cheating

on you. I mean, I don't like With your best friend.

I don't even, like, technically, like, I don't have, like, proof. Proof. But

Yeah, let's ask the two people with excellent moral codes if they Yeah. If

they cheated. Yeah, but it was just an interesting timeline because, you know, we broke up and then we got divorced. I thought [13:59:00] everything was fine and then I found out they were dating and I was just like record scratch.

Like what the, like this is insane. And who told you? Um, I found out through mutual friends.

No. Yeah. Neither one of them told you. Your best friend did not tell you.

Oh no. She also stopped speaking to me. before, this is all a little fishy, so, you know, I was pretty bummed about the whole situation, you know, that didn't, like, feel great.

And on one hand, it's like, you know, we're divorced, like, he's technically allowed to do whatever he wants to do, you know? Girl! But I'm like, pick someone else!

If you date, if you're my best friend, and you date my recent ex husband,

it's bad. It's so bad. You're out of

your goddamn mind. Yeah, like pick

some please please pick someone else So you're being way too nice about this.

I know I mean like at a certain point though. It's like I can't Like I can't sit around and be angry about it.

Sure [14:00:00] Sure I can't because I'm like just hearing this and then I also didn't know that they went and like immediately had a kid and like That is blowing my mind and I'm like Why didn't you just like, murder suey vibes?

Like, I'm, it's

wild. Because it's like, it's just too, it's like too nuts. It's too crazy. You also don't

want them to win. Yeah. You're like, your happiness is the way that you win. Yeah,

and like, like, enough time has gone by that I, like recently I've been feeling like, okay, this is just like some crazy Jerry Springer era of my life, you know?

Where I'm like, what the actual F, this is insane. Like, I don't want this, I don't want this to define me. And I also feel so grateful to be 36 and divorced. Because I learned so much. I learned a lot. Like, I really did not understand the assignment of what being married meant. Like, I did not get it. You know, you're like 25.

Everyone's... You know, starting to get engaged and you're like, Oh, a ring sounds [14:01:00] cool. A party sounds cool. We get to live together and hang out and like, this is my best friend. You know, it all sounded cool, but I don't think I really. understood what it meant to be in like a long term committed partnership.

Yeah. And like I did not have like the tools and the skills at that point. I was too young. I kind of think they need to make a rule like you're not allowed to get married until you're, you're like over 30 because I don't think you, I don't think you get it.

I don't know the stat. I'm gonna.

Fuck it up. But the divorce rate is something like over 50%. It's over 50%. But it, I think it's closer to 60%. So if the divorce rate is like 60%, the reason why it's so high is that people that get married in their 20s are really throwing off the curve. Yeah. They get divorced at like such a high rate. But if you get married over 30, the odds of you staying together are like, Quadruple or something like that.

It's, it's, it makes a lot of sense. Like, I, I don't think you've lived enough life. Like, I mean, I sure as hell hadn't and I didn't, I didn't know what it took. So[14:02:00] now I'm like, damn, this is so cool. I'm 36. Like, I'm still cute. You're very cute. Like, I still, I still got it popping. I'm still young ish.

You're young, yeah. I didn't have kids. Like, I don't, I don't have crazy baggage. That was the move. And I get to like, try it all again. Yeah. You know? Mm hmm. You know, for me, I was like, this is so fun. I get to be on dating apps. I never did it. I was like, this is crazy. I felt like candy. Like, you're like, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.

It was really, yeah. It was kind of like a fun experience. like, since I've been single, life has been amazing. Wow. So, so what do you

think the assignment is? You know, you were like, I, I didn't understand what being married was about.

And what do you think it's about? Okay, I came up with this analogy, it's like so random, and I feel like this is mentally what I kind of, visualized, marriage to be.

So, think about you and your partner, you're on a beach, and you're camping. And you have a fire going, and you're kind of by the ocean. To keep the fire going, you're not putting [14:03:00] giant logs in, you're putting little pieces of tinder in to keep it going all night. Relationships are...

Like... Clearly, I don't camp.

To like, keep a, like if you put a giant log on a fire... It'll just kill it? It's gonna go out. You gotta put little pieces of fire in constantly. So I think about that in terms of like, it's not about one big trip a year, one big diamond... piece of jewelry, whatever. It's about tiny little acts of love all, all year long, all day long.

Hey babe, I'm going to take your dry cleaning. Hey, I ended up getting your car washed because I know you look great today. Yeah, you look beautiful. Oh, I actually planned a cute date night. It's like little stuff like that, like that keeps the fire burning. And then this is another thing if both people fall asleep at night, the water's going to come.

And once that fire's wet, it's out. Once that shit is wet, it's done. So either you both need to be awake, stoking the fire, or at least one of you needs to be awake stoking. Cause there's, there's times in a relationship where like, one person's really struggling or like, [14:04:00] another person's not really like, feeling it, whatever.

But if one person at least is like, I'm in it. Let's go, like I'm still stokin it, then I think you can get it back.

Amanda, should you be hosting this podcast? That's my analogy. No, I love that. That's an incredible analogy, and I will be quoting

you on that. And I just don't want to fall asleep at the fire again.

Yeah. And I want to be in a relationship where I want to put little tiny sticks. To stoke the fire. Yeah,

yeah, no, I get that. That's, that's amazing. I love that analogy. That's so good. So then, this really fucked up thing happened and you have managed to metabolize it and bounce back better. How did you do that?

Well, you know how you called me a stereotypical Virgo in the beginning? Yes, I do. Okay, okay. One of my secret talents is compartmentalization. Okay. I'm an excellent compartmentalizer. I can like, wake up, have a little cry, get my shit together, [14:05:00] get on my zooms, do my work for the day, go to the gym, move my body, go grab drinks with a friend, come home, maybe cry again, maybe write my journal, whatever, like, I feel like I did a good job of really Creating time and space to process my feelings, whether it was like talking to my therapist, my mom, Journaling was really helpful, like getting it out, but then also not letting it ruin my life, you know?

Like obviously some days you're really sad and it's harder than others But if you just keep doing your routine like wake up, make your bed, clean your room, go to the gym, if you start doing those things time heals it, so. Yeah,

yeah. You know. Well, it's also, like, if you're consistent with yourself, that's another, that's a confidence booster.

Definitely. It's letting you know that, like, okay, this person that I trusted maybe let me down, but I won't let me down.

Yeah. I mean, you definitely get, like, it's, it's me. It's me and only me. Oh, I know. you get a little, like, I mean, I'm still a little bit like that. But I am willing, now I'm, now I feel like I'm ready to accept love and like, be loved.

But I definitely [14:06:00] had my guard up for my boyfriend for a long time. What's a long time? Like, I would say six months. He always jokes, cause I would say, I'm just making sure you're not trying to trick me. And he would be like, I'm not tricking you. And I'm like, I don't know if you're not tricking me. Cause maybe you are and you're just saying that.

So it took, yeah, it took like six months. Wow. But then finally I was like, I don't think you're tricking me. Cause this is a lot of effort. Yeah,

you're like, this seems like a, this

is a real long con. I'm like, you bought me cute little presents, you take me out all the time, you're so sweet to me. I'm like, I don't think this is a trick.

You tricking me, yeah. But those are my protocols, you know? Like, I was like, I gotta make sure. Yeah, well. It's interesting,

so I've been cheated on a lot too. Yeah, it's pretty. I say too as if you've been cheated on a lot, but like you were, you had an egregious thing happen. Yes, but

I kind of, this is fucked up, but I think There's just so much cheating that happens.

Yes. If we've watched any Vanderpump Rules, we know how just normal and casual cheating is. It's pretty insane.

It is, yeah. And [14:07:00] it's something that I've never personally done, but it's happened to me a lot. And at one point I was like, what am I doing? And then I realized when I was younger, it all happened over distance.

It's because I wasn't in the same city or they like moved away, even though they were coming back. And so a lot of things revolved around distance. And then when I got a little older, I think that the cheating happened with one guy and then it was pretty severe. I've talked about it a lot, basically this uggo.

Always the uh gos. The uh go won

me over. I dated him for eight months and then found out for four months of it, he was dating this other woman. Like, who has the time and the energy? Well, that woman is the shit. She's like one of my best friends. And it was a third woman who was a fan of not me, but the second woman.

And reach out to her, and then the house of cards fell down, and then that's how she and I met, and then we've been really close ever since, um, and I [14:08:00] adore her. I will always say, like, he had shit morals, but great taste in women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, solid. Um, but after that relationship, I feel like it cracked me open in a way.

That I didn't heal from properly. And then I found myself kind of repeating the pattern. Interesting. Yeah. Fascinating. Yeah. And then I ended up dating a predator. who got me tued, which is,

oh my god, very

LA. Yeah. and then look, I've also had really great relationships. And like the guys that didn't cheat on me. I have very great, loving, healthy friendships with. But, I will say that in that period of time where I was, like, bopping from, rejection to rejection, it was so hard because I feel like I was so afraid of being cheated on that I was, like, looking for it.

Mm hmm. And social media was a huge thing. Like, I remember this one guy. Okay. Wow, I've been, like, monologuing. Oh, I like it. I like [14:09:00] it. So I dated the Predator. Uh huh. And the next guy I dated after that was this super sweet guy. And, I remember our first date. He waited for me in the rain for like 30 minutes to walk me from my Uber to the bar. And then the next day we were both going to Sundance. And I showed up at Sundance and he just introduced me to everybody and it was like so...

fun. He was so nice and we had sex in a bathroom for the first time. Hot, hot, hot, yeah. Just like, you know, just one of those like wild, fun relationships. And he is such a good man. I bring all of this up to say that when we were dating, I was like monitoring who he would like or follow on Instagram because I was so paranoid. And not only that, but my crazy ass brought it up. I was like, Hey, I'm going to call him Matt. Hey Matt, um, I'm trying to figure out why you're following all these girls on Instagram.

And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah. So why are you following them? And I think he was just like, I don't know. They just showed up on my. Feed or whatever. For you, [14:10:00] Paige. And, I mean, this is before For You, and this was when you could, like, see that, who people followed on Instagram. And I remember, because I looked at it recently, because I was like, damn, you were cringy as fuck, girl.

Like, this is so embarrassing. Like, I am so embarrassed and also proud. Because, like, when I go crazy, I'm like, my

girl. But I'm going to say this. I think in this day and age, I think that you're allowed to say whatever you want. But if you just, At a wink face? If you present it, if you present it with a little peppering of vulnerability, you can get away.

Yeah. If you go, hey, just want to let you know, I'm really triggered, from my last relationship, my ex cheated on me, so I'm just overly cautious, I felt really weird, I feel weird saying this but I saw you following all these people and I want to know why. So I did sort of say that. Yeah, then it like will disarm them a bit, they're not going to be as defensive.

I didn't do it. in person and that was a fatal flaw. I did it via

text which you can't tell. You need to see the face. I know. Girl, I've made a lot [14:11:00] of mistakes. You gotta see the face. The cheating made me so anxiously attached that when I look back I feel like I, it didn't even matter that I like wasn't that into him.

By the way, I broke up with him. The sex was super vanilla. I ultimately couldn't handle and I remember we went to dinner and then we saw this movie and I was like, I'm gonna break up with him tonight. And then I ended it and then I was really sad but it was like the right thing to do. But

damn, yeah, well, I just was like, yeah, this isn't it. No,

but it's crazy that I wasn't even like that Wrapped with this guy, but I felt like I was holding on for dear life because I just wanted to be loved Yeah, like I wanted to be chosen and loved so badly that I didn't care That I wanted to rush through that phase where we were figuring it out.

Mm hmm

I hate that phase, by the way. Oh, me too!

I think But you gotta go into it looking for the flaws.

I think, um, between the three week mark to the three month mark It's brittle. It's the worst. [14:12:00]Brutal. So fun. Yeah. So sexy. So cute. So cute. Then you're like, okay, I want to date you. And then you start figuring out like, okay, what time do you wake up?

Like what is your bedroom look like? Like what's your schedule? Like do you, like, are you going to like fart on me while we're watching TV? Like do you know, like start to figure out all those weird little things and I don't know. I hate it. I went on like, let's get to the, like, let's get to the part where then we're like comfy and cute again.

I hate it.

Yeah, I think the part that's hard is when you realize you like the person and you're just like, does this person like me? Yeah. I'm in a totally different phase of life now where I'm like, I don't care if you like me. I'm trying to figure out if I can handle you. Yeah. Like I flipped it, but for so long it was the other way. Do you know what I mean? Like, and I think a lot of women. I've been beaten down by dating apps and modern dating that they're truly kind of where I used to be which is just like is Anyone gonna love me and is anyone gonna be decent and love me?

Yeah. Yeah, it's like when [14:13:00] you leave a first date You're supposed to ask that I like it not do you think they do right? They had a good time gonna text me back. Just do you think he I don't know I think I don't know if he likes me. It's like Do you like him? Do you like him? Did you have fun at like that?

That's the first I know first and foremost and I can guarantee Most of the time, if you liked him, he probably likes you back, too. That's true. Like, at least for the first date. Yeah. If you genuinely think it went well, it probably went well. I mean, you get, sometimes you get those flukes. I had a really, really insane fluke.

Oh, I had an insane fluke,

too. Oh, my God. I went on, like, the Like, one of the greatest first dates ever. Same.

Ever. He

broke my little black heart. He like, pulled up in, I mean, I should've known, he pulled up in a vintage bronco with no top and I was like, oh god. Oh, yeah. Oh god. That's

brutal. And he was By the way, that immediately makes me wet and makes me want to run.

I'm like

That's how It's so hot. And I was like, oh

god, oh god. But also, I'm about to get [14:14:00] destroyed emotionally. Yeah, and he

was so hot. Um, we had, we had the most fun date. He took me to dinner. We went back to his house. We played VR, cornhole, tic tac toe. We had to get like a whole night full of games. I'd never tried fireball.

So we were taking fireball shots. Best night ever. He got me a parachute robe. Made me a little plate of nighttime snacks. I spent the night. I was like, this is the greatest night of my life. He never called me again. Like, babe, you made me snacks. You gave me a parachute robe. You gave me a parachute robe.

What? And that's... Parachute is not...

I was like... I love this. Oh my god. And when I came in, he was like, Are your boots the robe? You look incredible. Okay. But like not, but not in like, not in like a... Totally, like, gay way. It was in a very, like, confident, manly way. Oh, man. And I was like, how do you know? I was like, [14:15:00]I'm in love.

That's rough. And then never called me. That is rough. But it was just, it actually was so insane that I wasn't even bummed. Because I was like, that was so cool. I had that night. I was so

cool. See, and that's where people need to be. But, cause I,

I can't, like, I have no clue why he didn't call me, but I can guarantee you it was not me.

Hmm. I mean, a hundred.

A hundred. We had the, we had the best night ever. It's never you. And

I was like, it is actually for once, it is not me. Yeah, you were like, I was on

point. I showed up in the row. Yeah, I was shooting cornhole. I looked cute in that robe.

I know, I looked so cute. So I was like, yeah, I'm not going to bum myself on this and like spiral and be like, why, why, why?

Because I've done that before on other dates. But this was just, it was too good of a date. And the fact that they didn't call, I was like, you know what, add it to my like, list of wild ass dating stories that I have, I have accumulated. How are

you so confident?

that's a good question. I mean, I think there's a lot of like fake it till you make it a little bit, but I just have learned with work, [14:16:00] I get so much further with confidence.

Like people trust me, people want to work with me, makes my team feel better. I like achieve my goals faster

if I just like copy pasted the work confidence into the personal life

confidence. Yeah, I've really tried. I got a life coach last year. Oh because I felt like everything was going so well in my Professional life and I was like, but I'm not finding like the partner that I want I was like going on a bunch of dates, but I'm like, it's not yielding like the results that I want So I was like, maybe it's me You know?

Was it? I mean ultimately, yeah, because I was looking for the wrong thing. I was like focusing on the wrong things. What were you focused on? I, I did this one exercise that I thought was incredibly interesting and I really feel like helped kind of redirect my kind of focus with dating. Mm hmm. So we, she gave me a list of qualities, like 50 qualities, and I had to rate them from 1 to 10.

1 being like I don't care, 10 being like they're really important. It has to, I have to have this. We look at the [14:17:00] list and she goes, let's look at the ones. And I was like, oh, okay. She made me write all the ones out. She goes, you cannot care about these. So one of 'em was like, travel. I was like, I don't really care.

So she's like, don't go for a guy 'cause he travels all the time. 'cause you don't care. And then I, you know, like. Like a 10 for me was like, um, ambition. Like obviously that's important to me, but there's... It was just interesting to go through the ones. And I was like, oh, okay. I'm looking

for this guy that fits this prototype,

actually don't even really care about half this shit.

So that was really... I was like, okay, cool.

Wow. And then how soon after did you meet your boyfriend?

I met my boyfriend in the pro... when I was doing, um, The Life Coach. In the middle of it. Yeah. But I really did... I was like, whoa, I, uh, re read my journal recently and I had made like a list of a lot of the qualities I wanted and like he really hits all of the things that I was looking for.

That's [14:18:00] amazing. So, it was, it was just like a subtle shift of like my mind. Interesting. like acting different, I just was searching different. So I thought that was cool. I love that. Yeah. I'm gonna need to get that list. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I mean, you could literally Google like 50 qualities, something will pop up and then you just do it.

Okay, so you get divorced, you have the confidence to ask for a divorce, then you lose your husband and best friend and also your best friend. When I said husband, it was like husband slash best friend. Yeah. Because I'm assuming, you know, that's one best friend, but then your other best friend.

And then they have a kid, and you're like, okay, well this is, we've removed these people from my

life. Yeah.

 It sounds like you kept to a routine, but like, how did you quiet the voice inside your head that was like, either I'm unworthy, or I caused this, or, um, this is gonna happen again, or like, I missed something?

okay, so another little, tool that I learned that was really helpful was, okay, maybe you're feeling [14:19:00] a certain way, maybe you're feeling like really insecure Maybe you're feeling apathetic, like, why me? Why does this happen to me? Maybe you're feeling really angry, like, fuck him, fuck her. I'm gonna get revenge.

I'll show them. So I would do, I would literally fake it, and I would write fake how I wanted to feel. I would fake write, I feel happy in my life. I feel happy to have had that chapter. I feel so, I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for her. It's all good. Like, I would literally fake write how I wanted it.

You were manifesting.

You

were putting pen to paper. Yeah, I was like, okay, well, I don't want to be angry anymore. But I don't know how to get there. So I was like, okay, what does it even look like if I got there? What does it sound like in my head? And I just did it enough times, and like, time heals everything.

doesn't heal everything, but it really heals a lot. Like, you can get over stuff. Yeah. I mean, it took a while. Took a while. Okay. And that makes me feel better to hear. gonna dash into my, my dad [14:20:00] died. Ooh. Like, all while this was happening. Although

I will say, there is something about loss like that, that is such a great equalizer.

Yeah, it was, you know what, it was such a one two punch of just straight up. L's, just L's, where I'm like, this is, this is actually like a joke at this point and I gotta, like, I gotta take what's happening. And use it to propel me. And yeah, it's just, it was like too crazy.

Yeah, that's wild. It was a, it was bad. So I'm like, I can't, like, I can't crumble now. Yeah. Like, I gotta like, put my big girl pants on and like, get, do this, like, just get through it, you know? So I

yeah, wow, I mean I

am impressed. It's all a bit. It's all mental It's like the way you speak to yourself and like the way you train your thoughts But I did have help like I will say getting a life coach at first I was like, this is weird.

Like why am I doing this? Also, all my friends were like, why are you getting a life coach? You're a

boss bitch And I'm

getting a life coach like [14:21:00] my personal self but it was really helpful just to have that accountability and then learn all these little like tools and do all these little like homework assignments about myself.

You don't do that. No, you don't. You've never, I've never done that in my life, so it was, it was really helpful. I love that. Yeah. That's good

advice. I want to run some, some questions by you. Okay. Okay? I just found out that my fiancé cheated on me. I'm not going to go into too many details about how I found out because it doesn't matter.

But, uh, when I first started dating my fiancé, I told her, I only asked her one thing of her. If she ever wanted to be with anyone else, just tell me. It didn't matter, like, when or where, just, just tell me. Because his dad was cheated on and he saw it destroy his father and he was like, I just don't want that.

And then, lo and behold, It happened to him. So, he breaks up with her, but she wants to explain herself. So, she's saying she wants to meet and talk. And he's like, I can't. I can't see her right now, it's too raw. But she keeps pushing it. and he doesn't really know what to do. should she give her a chance to explain, even though he knows it's not going to change [14:22:00] anything?

but he also loves her, and he can't lie. and say that, like, she doesn't mean anything to him. So what should she, what

should he do? I would say, sorry babe, no combo. Because he already knows he's non negotiable, it's gonna just bum him out. Whatever she says is gonna make him more sad. Yeah.

And make it harder to move on. Yeah. He already knows.

It's his boundaries, and if he compromises on his boundaries, I would also just say, alternatively, it's like, why don't you just tell her, I need a solid three months, or I need a, like, I can speak to you in 90 days, right? Yeah. That's a great idea. Then let's revisit this conversation in 90

days.

By that time he's going to be like, Fiancee who? yeah, I would say no. I mean, but like you never, like if I was him I'd be like, okay fine. You know? Like you, you would say, like, me and you sitting here, it's easy for us to armchair diagnose. For sure, but then you get curious and like you want to know, but I think if you already know your decision is, [14:23:00] you're out, what's the point?

I'm also like, put it in an email. Yeah. If you feel compelled to tell me. Write me a letter.

Write me a letter and I'll open it when I'm ready. Exactly. I like that. I like

that. Mm hmm. Great. We solved it. USPS. okay. I'm so tired of asking my 25 year old wife to have sex with me and this person's 30. I love my wife, but it's been absolutely...

Horrible trying to get her to have sex with me. I've asked. I've waited for over a month at a time. At what point do I just stop and like never do anything again? She never initiates. I've asked her like if she feels more comfortable initiating than like having me initiate. and he understands that sometimes like the medication she takes like can mess with things, but at this point he's just like, I don't know what to do.

do I get over it? Do I try to change things? Like what do I do?

That's a tough one. That's a tough one because I know a lot of My friends have been on medication. They're like, I am the least horny person ever. Birth control, SSRIs. Like, it's a thing. It's a thing. So I think at [14:24:00] that point, he's just got a voice to her.

Hey, this is super important to me. can we switch something up? Yeah. At that point, then she either needs to maybe switch meds, maybe go to therapy, maybe they go to couples therapy, something. I'm like, but he's, get the book. Yeah. He's got, by

Ian Kerner. Yeah. To tell you about the last time you had sex.

He's a genius.

yeah. I feel like. It's on her. Unfortunately, it's on her. You can't make, you can't make someone want to bone you. So.

Well, I will say, like, in other circumstances, if medication wasn't involved, I would be like, the thing to do is to sit down with your partner and be like, Hey. what are the things that you feel like you would need in order to get in the mood?

Yeah. what can I do to ensure that you can, like, clear your mind, relax, get to that place? Yeah. I'm not gonna do it tonight, but, like, I want to know... what's going to take you from where you are right now to wanting to bone?

Um, I read this amazing book called Come As You Are. I was actually instructed to read it during my couples therapy, during my divorce.[14:25:00]

Um, and the whole book is about, um, you've got gas and brakes when it comes to being turned on. So, you are in charge. Of your own horniness, and you gotta know what turns you on, and what turns you off. It can be as simple as, I like the room at 73 degrees, I like the room at 67 degrees. Right. I like the lights to be down a little bit, I like to do it at 4pm, I like to do it at 9pm.

I like the dishes

to be put away, or whatever. I like the kids not to be home. Yes,

whatever it is, but you have to be in charge of your perfect orgasm environment. Mmm. And like, that's on you and you gotta get to know you. You know? I love that. Yeah. It's a cool It's accountability. It's a cool book, too. They really break down some like I'll link it.

Some specifics where you're like, oh, wow, I never thought about that, but that totally turns me off or totally turns me on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a good read.

So, what is a killer move?

I would say my killer move, and it's very simple, but I think showing up to the first date with some [14:26:00] popping lip gloss is just like the cutest, flirtiest thing you can do.

And I mean, like, we're seriously putting lip gloss on. Like lip glass. Like, yeah, it's, we're doing like road. lip tint or whatever it is, we're doing something sticky, some MAC lipgloss, like something to make them look like juicy, puckery, I just think it's so cute and flirty. It's almost like a visual pheromone.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're like, just in case you haven't seen my mouth, this is what my mouth is. It's so cute,

and I feel like guys are obsessed with it. That's a

great killer move. Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna try that. It works. I'm gonna

try that. You finish eating, you reapply that shit, like, you have them like, mwah.

It's really, yeah, it's just cute and flirty. What

is a killer date?

If I had to do a killer date, this is what I would do. I would do hike in Malibu, Solstice Canyon, duh, it's not too hard, it's medium so you're not going to be like sweating your tits off. gorge views. Then I'd go to John's Gardens in Malibu, get sandwiches, and then go to Carbon Beach and sit and eat them.

Because [14:27:00] hiking is chill because you get to walk and talk, but you're not staring at each other, so it's not awkward. And then like the Sammies. On the beach, like, it's just

cute. Unbeatable. Not great for me because I'm a skin care bitch. So I don't love the sun. Maybe put a little hat on. I'd have to bring, I, I don't, I don't, I don't do hats.

I look more like a beekeeper.

Got it, got it. So maybe like a, maybe a little umbrella. Yeah. Something. Gotta do that. But I think it's like fun and chill and not like dinner or drinks. Yeah. Yeah.

So what is a date killer?

Complaining. Mmm. We're fine to both be like, Oh, you know, I'm actually not really into sports.

Oh, me neither. Yeah. That's cool, whatever. But if you're like, complaining about like, how long the line was to get your smoothie at Erewhon. That's too much. Wrong answer. Yeah. It's so not cute. No, it's the least sexy thing to complain. Also, girls need to be mindful too. 'cause some, like sometimes I do it. Mm.

I'm like, eek, I gotta shut my mouth. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Just be pos like, just [14:28:00] try to be like

cute and positive. Positive. Yeah. I hear that from a lot of like matchmakers and dating gurus. Mm-Hmm. . Um, what's one thing in your self-love

practice? One thing in my self-love practice is I love to take care of my face and my skin.

Mm-Hmm. . And I just always make like. Me time, once a week, I either go to face gym and get like a crazy facial massage, or I'll go get a facial, or just like spend my whole night doing like my routine, and my mask, whatever. Like I just, I like, like it, and I like to carve some time out for it. That's,

you're speaking my love language, so.

I love it. Yes, I hear you. I think that there's something about physically giving yourself love is such a nice way to also give yourself

self love. Yeah. And you look at that mug in the mirror every day. That's very real. Might as well be cute. Yes.

Keep it cute. Keep it cute. Okay. And finally I ask everybody this, what is the best love or dating advice you've ever

received?

I think this will tie in to the story [14:29:00] who they are, believe them. Real as fuck. Because typically, the first red flag is usually the thing that ends up ending it anyways. Like, if you really think back to all your relationships, what was the first red flag? That's probably why you broke up.

Facts. Yeah. So, yeah, just...

Believe them. Believe them. When they show you who they are, believe them. Yeah. Okay. Amanda, you have this incredible brand, Love AJ. How do people get more of you? How do they get more of Love AJ? Drop

all the info You can find us@loveaj.com. L-U-V-H-A. Everyone calls it Luva. It is not.

Ooh, it's Love. AJ . You can find everyone says that. You can find us on Instagram at love AJ as well, and the great Instagram. Lots of amazing retailers like Nordstrom, Bloomingdale's, KTH, asos, urban Outfitters, lots of stores. I love it. Yeah, and I love

the name. Thank you. and we said it at the beginning, but you're gonna be so [14:30:00] gracious and hook some listener up with a ton of jewelry.

Yeah,

300 bucks, and I will say it'll go a long way. You can get a lot of shit on our site for 300. Yeah, like a bounty. Yeah, I'm A bounty. This is the

best gift. Yeah. It's like gonna, no matter who gets it, like if it's a guy listening, you're gonna hook up your wife, sister, friend, mom, oh my gosh.

What about self love practice?

Or buy yourself

jewelry. Yes. I

know. That should have been my answer.

But yeah. It's my answer. Get a little like bling to

like pack your step up. There's really nothing better than buying yourself, I would say diamonds. I literally made myself an engagement ring, because I'm crazy. I just don't wear it on my hand, but it's like, it's a one carat emerald cut.

I love that. Because why, why does everyone else get to wear them just because they're engaged or married? Even though I'm not, I still want to wear one. I just wear it on a different finger. I think we need to normalize this, by the way. I think that's

great. Okay, so I need to go get myself an engagement ring to myself.

I'm engaged to me. [14:31:00] Yeah. Unless somebody wants to, I don't know, replace it. Or you just keep both. I love it. Thank you so much for joining. This was so fun. Thanks for having me. Oh,

thank you.