Drunk Date Disasters with Bran Flakezz

[14:30:00] Hello, friends, future friends, haters, and ex lovers. Welcome back to another episode of Crimes of the Heart. I'm your host, Rory Epold, and today I have a very fun episode for you. But before we dive in, a word about our sponsor. Skincare. The holidays really seem to approach faster and faster each year. I guess it's holiday math.

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The mailing list is... On the website, which is listed in the show notes. Okay. Today's guest is a ball of joy. He was recently named Philadelphia's Influencer of the Year. He's a podcaster, a TikToker, and self proclaimed gay chaos. I am talking about none other.

 Thank you so much.

[14:33:00] I feel like the first time I saw you, you maybe crushed a couple of white claws.

Probably. Sounds like me.

I specifically wanted you on the show for a number of reasons, but I definitely wanted you to hear this story because I feel like you are such a gay chaos party boy fun energy and I feel like this is a date that like you could have potentially gone on, but it goes wrong. It's like the, the bad version of that.

let's listen to it.

Oh my god. I feel so bad for him. He seems like a catch.

I mean, part of me goes,

He should have done some different things. For sure. He definitely, like, radiates, like, emotional \ people pleaser energy, there's definitely some red flags, but also, what a nice guy, because maybe, maybe honestly, it just goes to show how bare [14:34:00] minimum things are, but I know plenty of men who would have Left been like you're not taking her to the hospital then she can take herself home I'm not doing this and the fact that he stayed with her for so long was Was the right thing to do and I'm glad he did it

totally. I mean, I can't imagine the three times, the amnesia back to back. Like, that is my nightmare. And then her being like, Did you do that? Like, having no idea, looking at herself in the mirror and being

that's terrifying I also am terrified at the fact that the EMTs let her go home at that point I actually had a friend who drunkenly fell off a bird scooter as well and chipped her like two front teeth, fucked up her face, and she went to the hospital immediately. So I'm confused as to like why they were like, oh she doesn't need to go if she's concussed.

Like, I've never been concussed before, but like, I would want a doctor to give me that diagnosis and tell me like, what to do. Like, going to a rave, I know when people are concussed, you're like, not even really supposed to look at screens, cause like, you [14:35:00] have a horrible headache. So for her to go to a rave, that's like, beyond reckless.

beyond. Beyond. But that's like her party girl vibe. Like, she was just a real

It's crazy too though, because she's a real party girl. But she like, is super successful, which, hey, I mean, same. But, there's like, A thin line, like, how can she, like, own all these properties? Like, there has to be, like, more to the story, like, if you're acting that reckless, that doesn't necessarily match the same personality as someone who's, very, like, with it in terms of, business and building success.

That's such an interesting point. Yeah.

Right. I'm, like, I have so many more questions. Like, do you, do we think that, like, that's all true? Like, is she, like, was she lying to him about certain things?

No. I know, I know a few more details of the story. she really is very successful.

Oof.

work hard,

play

harder.

it sounds like their first date was, like, really, really great. But also, him [14:36:00] saying, like, this second date, like, he kind of knew where it was going. Like, it seems like Ezra's a nice guy, but also a nice guy that wanted to just get laid. If I'm reading that correctly, like, which no shame on.

If you had a great first date, sounds like hot, good sex on a lifeguard stand, like. Yeah, I would want to go on a second date, quote unquote, too.

I love that you were like a date,

quote unquote.

that's, that's not a date. Like, you're, you're, that to me, that's like, hanging out slash going out together. Like, we're, we're going, like, we're getting drunk at bars, doing karaoke, and fucking. Like, You're going out together. A date to me is like you're sitting down. Their first date seemed like a date because they started to sit down, share life stories, and then it ended up getting really fun.

But the second date seems like it was more like a scheduled booty appointment. Not a booty call, but like a booty appointment.

A dick

appointment.

A dick appointment.

Yeah.

 Yes. I agree. It seemed like they both like jumped in. Yeah. He got [14:37:00] like love bombed and was like, yeah, I guess there were some red flags. I'm like, If anybody after a first date is like, you're my dream girl, I'm like, mmm, no, I'm not.

Also, like, I know that this is such a complicated situation, but what I would have done would like once we got back to her house. I would have been like, who can I call? Like, what's your best friend's number? What's your mom's number? Whoever you are closest to in life, they should be the person that is coming here to make sure you're okay, because I am still a relatively new person in your life.

Not a total stranger, but in some ways, yes. And yeah, that is scary when you're, she's obviously blacked out, waking up next to somebody, even if nothing traumatic happened, like, we've all been there, we woke up like, who the fuck is in my bed, that on top of peeing yourself, having a facial injury, I think that's where, where he kind of went wrong, like, he should have brought her back to her place, gotten someone's information, and been like, you need to get here right now, because like, this is your friend, or this is your daughter, your sister, whatever, and she needs help.

Yeah,

Yeah, [14:38:00] not blaming the victim here, but I think that he

Well, she was

incapacitated.

Yeah.

And that's such a hard situation

But imagine that as a

No, that that's that's pretty awful.

That would definitely rank in terms of anxiety and like, no thank you. Have you ever had anything that

Yeah, and it was also a second date I went to hang out with this guy who was like we had a pretty good like first hangout we like met up in the city and There is actually this is very similar. I like noticed as he was walking towards me. He was like kind of skipping I was like, okay, maybe he's just like really happy to see me very strange and like within like first few minutes like he was telling me like where to go Like he was like we're gonna go eat at this restaurant So we're like walking in a certain direction.

I can tell he's like some sort of out of it like The way he's talking, the way he's making facial gestures, I'm like, to this day, I don't know if he was wasted or also wasted and on drugs. but, seemed very confused. like [14:39:00] we're walking for four or five blocks, I'm like, where is this restaurant? And he was like, oh, we're actually going the wrong way.

Let's turn around. And I was like, are you okay? Like, What's going on and he was like, oh, well my dad died and I was like, oh my gosh Like I'm so sorry. Like when did that happen thinking he was like gonna tell me like it was a few weeks ago he's like this morning and I was like What I'm sorry. He was like, well, it's not really like that He's like, I don't like I'm not close with him we haven't talked in years all this stuff and I was just like well, yeah, like that's still though really heavy Like why didn't you like?

 Cancel like I wouldn't go on a date if I found out like my biological father no matter what our relationship like passed away that morning But then I was kind of like Ezra in the situation I feel like I was empathizing and I was just like What if he really needs company right now and like he's just going through it and even though I don't know him only second date Like I I'll go to this lunch with him.

Like maybe he just needs a distraction at first. I offered I was like Listen, do you want to go back to your apartment? Do you want to, like, sit and talk? Like, is there anything I can do? He's like, No, I want to go to the restaurant. I was like, Okay. But [14:40:00] then, his sentences, like, weren't sentencing. they were jumbled up.

it got to the point where when we went to the restaurant, I started to get, like, really bad, like, anxiety. Like, truly, like, chest pains. Because I was like, it's one thing to be in a controlled environment, but, I don't know this guy. I don't know, like, what he's on. Because he's on something, We're in a public restaurant like I don't want him to like flick out at a waiter or cause a scene So like I'm getting like really really anxious and I'm trying to like talk to him and like ask him questions I'm like, what did you do last night?

Like, where did you go? and he cannot stay on track and at that point I was just like, you know what? I've got to get out of this situation and I said a million times to him I was like, I'm going to leave if you like can't Like, I don't want to be in this situation if you're not gonna, like, talk clearly or whatever.

And he was kind of just like, okay, like, then go. And I was just like, you know what? I'm outta here. Which may have been the wrong thing to do, but I was just like, I'm not gonna put myself in this position. I don't know this guy. I've tried to be nice. I've tried to listen to him. Like, it's now causing me severe anxiety.

And I don't [14:41:00] want to be in a situation where he's gonna do something that could potentially harm me. So, I'm out.

Did you ever hear from him

I've seen him around. But I just look at him and I just wave and I walk the other direction. This was like two years ago now.

 That's crazy. Yeah, I've never had anything quite like this. I dated a guy who I... realized was an alcoholic. So I'd been dating him for maybe a month or two. And there were like things about him. So he was like a layover, right? Like my final destination was this guy, Ben, who was unavailable at the moment. So I dated this other guy.

We'll call him Kyle. No, I've dated a Kyle. Sorry. I it's, um, shit. It's really hard. It's like choosing a color from the rainbow when you

have them all.

What about a Jason?

I think we're in the clear. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, so I'm waiting for this guy, Ben. So I started dating Jason, and there were like sus things, but I didn't care because I was like, Jason's not a forever guy. So [14:42:00] I let so much shit go. But then there was this one night he came over to my place and I cooked us dinner, tomato soup from scratch.

I'm that bitch. Um, and we were watching like a horror movie and I offered him a drink and he wanted whiskey and I don't really drink brown liquor anymore. So I opened up a bottle of bullet and when he left, I realized that more than half of the bottle was gone. And then I went, Oh, and he was going to go home.

And I was like, wait,

Don't drive.

I don't think you should drive home. And he was like, I'm fine. And I was like, yeah, but you, you're, I'm, I'm really concerned. And he was just like, Rory, I'm sober. And the crazy thing

is he was.

Yeah.

And that was the moment I realized like, Oh, all of these other like weird things that happened, it all clicked.

I was like, Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, now it makes sense. Well, that's the dark stuff.

Yes. Dark

Dark date. Dark date. But I feel [14:43:00] like you have probably had a lot of fun drunk dates. Or do you not drink on

You know that is I feel like a little bit of a misconception about me is I love to party I'm a partier, but I'm also an anxious person by nature So like I get like my most like loose self when I'm in like an environment that I feel safe with around people that I feel comfortable with I have had dates similar to Ezra's first date where like it starts off very casual and then eventually the date goes well and we start like having a few glasses of wine or cocktails and then eventually we get drunk together.

but no, I'm not the type of person who's like ripping three shots before a date. Like if I'm that nervous, I'm not fucking going. Like, When it's someone I like really like am interested in I want to make a good first impression So I wouldn't want to be wasted on a first date but I have, like I said earlier, gotten drunk with the person like progressively together.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, ditto. What do you, what do you think, like, what are the best fun drunk activities for a [14:44:00] date?

Well, I don't know how to play pool, but I heard that that's a pretty good get playing pool together. You know, that episode of Gossip Girl where he's like leaning over and teaching her how to use the pool stick. I think that's pretty sexy. I love, now with my boyfriend, like, I love doing like a, a wax and wine, like making candles and drinking wine together.

I think that that's a fun activity. What else am I missing?

I don't know, mine always are just like, I never have activities. Well, I don't really drink that much anymore. I used to, but, , Occasionally, like, I'll end up drinking and then realize I'm drunk and I'm, you know, whatever, at dinner or a bar or whatever, and like, then that's, then I probably end up naked, truth be told. You know, I'm like, tequila really did make my clothes fall off.

Right.

Do you have a number of drinks in your mind where you're like, I'm not going to go past two or I'm not going to go past three, if you're like trying

to keep

a good

Yeah, if we're getting dinner, like, I'm not gonna go past three. Like, usually I think two is safe, get one cocktail and then, like, end with an espresso martini.[14:45:00] , but, like, if it's going really well and the person's like, I want another round, I want another round, and I'll be like, sure. And then after three drinks at dinner, like, if he wants to keep drinking, then we're going to a bar.

Like, we're closing out Especially you never know if they're going to pay for the date or not like in gay culture. It's not very simple. You don't know if you're splitting the tab, if they're picking up the tab or if you're paying the tab. So I'm like, I'm not buying six drinks, three for me, three for you.

No, no, no, no, no. We're, we're stopping here. so that I usually like, let's go somewhere else. And then if we want to go to a bar and have like a closing, like vodka soda, usually good with that. But at that point, like I would always like. know what direction I wanted to go in. It was either one, I'm interested in this person, and I guess from there it can then split into two things.

It's I'm interested in this person, I want to go back and fuck, or I'm interested in this person, I want to take it slower and get to know them. Or two, they had given me the ick at that point where I know I'm not interested in them anymore and I'm already planning my exit in my head.

What are your ex?

 I guess on dates Someone who, like, talks way too much about themselves and [14:46:00] talks about them in, like, a, like, talks about themselves in, like, like a gross, like a know it all way, like, not confident but cocky and, like, inflated ego that, like, is a misplaced inflated ego, like, they're not shit and they're acting like they are.

That's a huge ick and a red flag for me. I would say, like, someone who, can't hold a good conversation at all. Like, it just seems like when we try to have a conversation it's not going in a direction that is appealing to me. Like, I'm trying to talk about something that I really like and they don't really seem to be receptive of it.

Or they're telling me about something and they're, like I said, like kind of just talking over me. I think having like first dates when it's like dinner or drinks and you're like sitting down like can be really challenging. But I do think you leave kind of with a good... inclination of like whether you want to see that person again because it's you get a lot of info and like Get to see how they react, to certain things and how they can hold themselves in a conversation but those are probably like my biggest x like people who like talk way too much about themselves and are super super self absorbed and like [14:47:00] just people who really have like no conversation skills and just seem like they're just not interested in anything you have to say.

You said something very interesting on another podcast I heard you on where you said that it was hard for you if you felt like the people who were really good at dating weren't good at sex and the people that were good at sex weren't good at dating. And I related to

that so

hard and I would

love to hear more

about that.

yeah, so I feel like, you know, there's a lot of people that say you don't marry the best sex of your life. Like the best sex of your life is someone who you would never want to be in a relationship with. He like, owns a motorcycle, some type of crazy shit. That's not who you end up with.

I don't know if that's necessarily true or not, but I, I see the thought process behind that statement. but yeah, like, I would notice that the people that I was very, like, sexually attracted to, and like had great sex with, they were not good at communicating, not good at committing, not good at Wanting to basically do anything other than meet up at a certain time after three drinks on a Saturday night and just booty [14:48:00] call, bang.

And then there was people who were like, really sweet and really wanted to know everything about you and great conversationalists and then you got to the bedroom and it just wasn't like, satisfying. I don't know, like they just were not hitting the way that you like, wanted it to.

Do you think that was like a skill thing or

a chemistry

thing

be a lot less about them and it might have been more just about me and who like my I would like toxically get attracted to in certain situations. like I felt like a lot of the people who were really sweet to me would also kind of like Be a little too timid in bed like they were like really really liked me And they didn't want to do anything crazy and like they wanted to just have a very relaxed Environment where they were pleasing me and like no sometimes I want to get thrown around like you don't have to be super super like docile in bed just because you're like a sweetheart and then the opposite for people who were like crazy and like really good at sex like We would hook up and then they would just leave and I'm like, You're not even gonna stay for a cuddle?

Like, you're not [14:49:00] gonna sleep over? Like, what? What? Or they would kick me out and be like, yeah, you should leave. And I'm just gonna, like, what? Are you kidding me? So it was really hard. I think that's why I love my boyfriend because, like, we started off as a hookup, like, and then it kind of translated into we would start sleeping over after our hookups and spending mornings together and then we walk to a coffee shop together and then he wants to cook me dinner.

Like, That was definitely how my love language worked I always like kind of knew that I was like the person I end up with It's gonna start off casual because if it doesn't start off casual if it starts off as like a pre planned date I've ruined things with overthinking. I'm like, why are we sitting down this restaurant?

Like does he actually like me or does he just want to fuck me like I get into my own head and self destruct, so when things start off casual and then took me by surprise that they were like starting to feel more serious, that worked for me.

Interesting, because my next question was going to be, how did you work through that toxic attraction, but it [14:50:00] kind of sounds like you didn't, you kind of got

tricked out of

I think everybody, for better or for worse, needs to experience a toxic situationship, let's say.

I call that yo yo dick or

yeah. Like, I think everyone needs to really experience that, kind of situation to then appreciate a good relationship. Like now I can, I really can truly appreciate the relationship I'm in because it's nothing like the situation ship that I was in, and it like helps me realize, Oh, like I wasn't supposed to feel those things.

Like that wasn't normal to be treated that way. Like that wasn't okay to let someone treat me like that. Um, and it wasn't okay to let myself treat myself like that.

Ooh, say

it was not okay to let me treat myself like that and I didn't realize that super deeply until I was in a relationship with someone who was giving me what I wanted and needed.

so for me, I think having that horrible situationship, which was right before my boyfriend, like, [14:51:00] really, Fucked me up, but fucked me up in the right ways where I was like left knowing like I can't do that to myself again And you know, I learned a lot about myself I needed to go through something like that To kind of be able to really appreciate a good relationship and what love should really be which in my opinion that should be peaceful

I love that. Yes. So you were single for 25 years.

Which is crazy. Yeah,

my

is crazy, but it's. but it's. also not like the thing is, is that I have realized that that's actually coming

more and more normal. did you at 25 feel like there was something wrong with you? Like were you

I was definitely insecure,

but it was also, like, hard because, like, I, I've said this before, like, I feel like when you're gay, you're, like, kind of 5 to 10 years behind straight people because you have to go through this, process of realizing you're gay, accepting it for yourself, telling your family members to accept it, that can take, like, for some people that takes 20 years, for some people it's [14:52:00] literally, you know, or never, and they never get, like, so that's a whole process in itself, and then when you're, like, Finally out then you have to start from ground zero of like, okay, now everyone knows that like guys were like, what kind of guys do I like?

What, like, what kind of relationship am I going to be interested in? Like, so when I started like having those conversations with myself and like putting myself out there. I was 19 years old, whereas my girlfriends were doing that at 15, when they were freshmen in high school. They knew what they liked, and they were going out there, and the straight men who liked them were already knowing what they liked.

So that kind of put me back, I feel like, five years. and I'm hoping now society gets, like, society gets more and more progressive. That's not gonna be the case, but we're still having that trickle down effect. Like, gay marriage was legalized eight years ago. It's, it's crazy recent stuff. So I didn't feel crazy that I hadn't had a relationship at 25, but I felt anxious to have one and I like remember thinking at that time, like.

My first relationship isn't gonna be it like I'm down to settle for a relationship just to get the [14:53:00]relationship experience But then that was only thought when I was trying to like put that into practice I was like, there's no way I can date someone that I'm like not really interested in

Yeah,

it wasn't really working like that

that's how I feel about like, just like dating some dude that has money. It's like, I can't or whatever, you know, sub that with whatever, like I can't bake me being into anyone.

I love talking to gay men on this show because I feel like you guys have such a valuable perspective in that the world was built for you as a man, especially you as a white man, but then you also have the perspective of also being an other.

you can see how the world was built for you, but then how that same world that was built for you oppresses you. And I think that so many of the things that women deal with, with men, gay men deal with, and Like you talking about being a process and coming into your own sexuality, but also your own romantic [14:54:00] being I think women go through that too in that I Remember kind of growing up and thinking. Oh like I I'm not supposed to really talk about guys that I've hooked up with you kind of want to seem Virginal or whatever It's this weird line that we've been told that women need to be a certain thing.

And even now we're seeing it with like the body count conversation, which if anybody ever asked me that, may they rest in peace. But, interested if you have any sort of like insights or advice for people listening who might still feel ashamed about their desires, whether Or just even who they are, like I got, okay, sorry, I'm rambling, a girl DM to me yesterday and said, Hey, I'm supposed to go on a trip with my boyfriend or my ex boyfriend, a rekindling trip with my ex boyfriend, but I just went out with this other guy and we hit it off so well that now I don't want to go on the trip.

Like, how do I get out of it? And I said to her, [14:55:00] well, if that guy ghosts you, Are you going to regret not going on the trip with your ex? Like, are you totally okay with closing that door? And, and then she was like, that's something to think about. And I was like, I'm only asking this because like, why can't you do both?

Like, why can't you go on the rekindling trip, but then also continue to date this other guy? And she was kind of like. Oh, I always like feel bad about that. And I said, well, look, if it's a moral thing, like if you feel like you're lying to people, then I don't want you to compromise your morals. But like, do you think maybe that's because you've just been programmed?

that women are only supposed to date one man at a time, but you don't know if they're dating three of you. And she was like, holy shit. Like I, I haven't really thought of that. And I was like, yeah, cause I, we've like actively been taught not to think like that.

I think that and I've been in that girl's shoes before where like you're talking to somebody but like you're already like kind of in a fling with somebody else and I know this sounds kind of fucked up to like compare like dating to like But I would always be like, if you were [14:56:00] interviewing for a new job, you don't just put all of your eggs in one basket.

You're taking interviews from a few other companies, but then at some point you have to kind of commit and be like, I'm committing to this job. They're offering it to me. I'm taking their offer. And I have to send the emails to the other place that I'm interviewing that I'm no longer pursuing the position and I think everybody when they're dating should have that kind of a mindset in their head where you're talking to people at some point at least this is what worked for me for myself I had to be like I am now only going to talk to my boyfriend's name is Josue I'm not only going to talk to Josue I haven't had a conversation with him if he's only talking to me But that is something I'm willing, I'm, I'm going to take that risk and I'm only going to talk to him.

So for the first four weeks that we were talking, I was still talking to a few other people, still answering on dating apps, I found myself less and less interested in answering those people because I found myself more and more interested in answering host way. So eventually what I did was I deleted Grindr, I deleted Hinge, and that put [14:57:00] me in then like a little, a next phase where unless...

Someone who has already talked to before is going to text me and reach out to me. Then I'm not talking to any other guys. And there was one other guy that was like still texting me and reaching out. And I just stopped eventually answering. Just like, I wouldn't say ghost, but would take the conversations nowhere, kind of, and answer with one words.

And just, you know, there were there, it wasn't going anywhere. and that was something I had to consider. Like, I don't know if Josue is doing the exact same thing. He could be talking to other people. But if he. Let's me know like hey, I'm actually seeing somebody else and that's that's what I like then.

Okay. Yeah, that sucks I'll deal with that pain, but I'm gonna I have other options out there So I think at some point you kind of have to be okay with it. Don't see it as lying just see as like focusing on yourself and giving yourself different options and Not putting someone else's emotions before yours.

Like why is this girl feel this like horrible need to like Put a guy that she's had one date like put his feelings above her [14:58:00] own that's not okay she needs to be her own person you know, you don't owe anybody anything Especially someone that you've only gone on one date with

What I also love about your story is you said four weeks, that's a month, you didn't overinvest. And I think one of the issues that people find themselves in is that they overinvest too soon.

Yes,

And we gotta

Yeah,

that.

it is it's kind of like that it's love and dating is certainly like a gamble and people like Want to take the chips out right away and cash it on one person Whereas you kind of have to just sit at that table a little bit longer and, you know, figure out what cards to deal.

I'm not really good with gambling, and I'll just say don't gamble, but you get the gist of it.

Me either, yeah. I think that we have an aversion to being uncomfortable. And I think the, one of the greatest skills in life is getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Learning to sit in that. Whether it's this phase, the whatever we're gonna call the dumb talking phase. which to me [14:59:00] means it's the phase where you're dating, but like you haven't deleted the other apps yet, or you haven't, you know, stopped the other booty calls.

Like that to me is like the talking phase before dating. It's the same thing where it's like people want, don't want to sit in the uncomfortable feelings of a breakup or the uncomfortable feelings of rejection. We're always trying to like push through that and get to the destination.

And so many of the mistakes happen in that action. So

agree.

 you're young.

I don't feel young.

that's all the vodka, baby. Did you ever have a time in your life where you didn't have dating apps?

Yes. I think probably around those, like, first few years where I was coming to terms with myself, I did not have any dating apps, like,

No, but I mean, they existed though.

yeah, they existed, like, I didn't, I don't think I downloaded any dating apps until I was, like, probably 20 years old, because then I was, like, okay, I want to try to find somebody. I was always very, like, I want to find someone in person, like I want to meet somebody in real life. I don't want to meet somebody on a dating app.

And then when [15:00:00] like, kind of a few years went by and I was like, okay, I'm really not meeting anybody. I need to expand my horizons and go on dating apps.

Wow. See, I've had, I had life

Yeah.

apps. But you were in

high school when they came out. And that's like, that's wild to me because I'm like, Oh my god, how did that shape your life? You know, like I imagine with you, with your girlfriends, with your guy friends, like, I can't imagine going to high school and dealing with high school, but

Yeah. I don't, I wonder if high school, I mean, I'm sure they do if high schoolers have dating apps. cause I feel like it's pretty hard to date when you're like, Living under your parents roof and going to high school. and like people don't really have money, like necessarily. At least I, when I was in high school, was not living in financially independence.

but college, yes. That was very interesting when people would like be on dating apps. And, you know, meet people that either went to the university through dating apps. Or at other local [15:01:00]schools. But I was very like I'm gonna meet somebody in person like I want to meet somebody at a party And it was funny because I actually did end up meeting my boyfriend at a bar But I was slow to join that I was like very much still like I want to lose my virginity to someone super special I wanted to meet my boyfriend and I want to meet him in person like I had this very fictional fairy tale planned out in my head that just Eventually obviously was not happening.

So I was like, okay, I'm downloading tinder. How romantic.

That's, uh, that's the advertisement of the year. I had this fantasy and then I woke up and was like, ah, fuck it. I'll download Tinder.

 I wonder if some of your ability to like, I don't want to say play the field, but like kind of take it slow comes from the fact that you grew up in a generation where options were

Yeah.

thing. Really?

think there was this like for me I see people who still struggle with this Picking out pictures to be on your dating app and this idea of like people perceiving you in a way of like I'm gonna swipe if I find them [15:02:00] attractive and I'm gonna swipe the other way if I don't like it is really like a crazy Shallow thing at its core But it's also very real in terms of most people in real life also don't Pursue people that they don't find physically attractive to them So, there's a lot of people like when you're on a dating app, it like kind of brings your insecurities back up to the surface.

You're like, Oh, I think I look good in this picture, but are they going to think I look good? when you're doing hinge, like, are they going to think that this answer to this question is funny? Or are they going to think I'm a certain way because I wrote this? Like if you're, I've seen people who are super, super insecure, take what might take someone two seconds to just click a bunch of pictures and upload.

It could take them hours to be like, I don't really like this. You can tell their insecurities, like, really come to the surface and they don't want to be perceived in a certain way.

is. Fascinating to me, you know, that everything you've just said never once occurred to me.

Yeah, I mean, it was for me too. I was like, oh my gosh, like, I'm swiping on [15:03:00] all these gay guys. They all look in a certain format and font. Like, they all have abs. They all, like, have gorgeous spiky hair. And they put, like, pearly white smiles. And I look like... A fat lard compared to them in a beat up old American Eagle t shirt.

That's my photos, like, I don't want to upload these, like, If you're not comfortable with yourself, like, that, like, when you're making a dating app, those uncomfortabilities, they're, it's gonna rise to the surface.

yeah, that's, I used to ghost write for people and I used to like, I still help people make their profiles just because I feel like I'm really good at it. And yeah, it's so wild that I've never thought about how I would be perceived. I just make what I think is going to be fun or

Yeah. And that's how you should do it. And you should go into it being like, okay, if someone doesn't swipe left, then they're not my person. I don't want them to swipe right. But some people's fear of rejection, is over consuming.

 It's very interesting that that is such a thing and I can imagine that it puts another layer on dating, being [15:04:00] perceived or how you, the perception, which is, as we know, social media is not real, but it's basically like adding the social media component to dating, which I feel like is such a shitty thing to have to like think about how you want to package yourself for someone else. So, in terms of this new relationship, do you think it was more about him or more about you in terms of timing?

Both. I think like the timing was very much like on our side. I was coming out of a situationship and really like kind of frustrated and like almost done with dating. I was just like, okay, I'm like not going to even like pursue that and just going to a fun whore type of thing.

And,

Know it

well.

And he had lived in the, in Philly, which is where we lived for a year, and really was not enjoying it. and was in like a, he was in. a career transition where he was like going to pursue something else and think he was kind of inspired by me who I had also at that time quit my full time job like two months before I met him to pursue content creation, so I think he really [15:05:00] loved that, like, I was not judgmental of him, like, wanting to drop his current career at 30 years old and apply for med school, which is what he ended up doing.

And he was like, you're not scared to, like, talk to somebody like that? Like, I'm 30 years old and I'm gonna restart my whole career and go back to school. And I was like,

I don't really give a fuck. I was like, I'm comp I just restarted my whole career and, have a bunch of ambitions and goals for myself, like, and I want to be with someone who's also goal oriented.

I don't want to be with someone who's gonna Let the system kind of control them and just sit in a job that and be complicit with something that they don't love just because They think that's what they should do or they think that's what is gonna get them a paycheck So I think it was a good timing in that aspect.

I think we both we're very Compassionate and kind towards each other which I had an experience before with dating I think there was like a level of like we had established oh I care about you pretty instantly and it was Like I said, it was just peaceful. Like, there was no wondering. I found myself in this, weird position where, It felt weird because I was, like, when he would text me, I wouldn't, like, jump up and be like he texted me.

And at first I [15:06:00] felt like, oh, I must not be that interested. But then I was like, no, my brain has programmed me to like only like guys that give me an anxious attachment style where I see that text as a reward and I'm like, they answered me or they texted me first. And like, that was something I had to deprogram my mind like, Oh, it's actually okay to like not text this guy all day and like, just have like a FaceTime call at the end of the night to like catch up or something it's okay to not like crave this attention and anxious type of environment that I was so used to before and like I thought that that meant like oh I was super into this person because I would get so happy when they text me, but I was like no That's not good.

My happiness shouldn't be dependent on like someone else's communication towards me like my happiness needs to be with myself

I'm obsessed with that. Yes. And I also think we cannot overstate the effect that dating apps have on our brains because dating apps all are created with the same [15:07:00] algorithms that are used for slot machines. And so the same way you get addicted, it's intermittent reinforcement.

And what is anxious attachment, if not intermittent reinforcement,

right. It's very true.

of course we're like primed for that, like push pull vibe.

Yeah. so back to your question. Yes timing was on our side.

Do you have any tips for dealing with rejection?

so hard because I face like rejection every day like in my career and certain things and I unfortunately like have more that attitude where if I get a hundred comments and 99 are positive and one is negative I will find myself really focusing on the negative and that's something I like always have to constantly like work on. So I guess just like as corny as it sounds it's just accepting that what isn't meant for you Is going to help lead you to like what truly is like there for you. Like what, what's waiting for you. every time like a door closes, I don't want to say another one opens, but in some ways maybe like when a [15:08:00] door closes, it gives you time to stand in a room longer to figure out what door you want to try to open next would be like my, my phrase.

because sometimes that really is what happens. you have to face rejection then. Rather than just go and try to find something else to replace it, you have to look inwards and be like, okay, what can I fix about myself? Or what can I do differently, to then, you know, create a different path for myself.

I love that. I've been a creator for almost a decade now. And I am a multi hyphenate, right? So I can get rejected as an actor, as a writer, as a director, as a podcaster, as an author, as just on social media. The first thing I ever did went really viral.

It was on the front page of Reddit and I got death threats. My bandwidth in terms of rejection is not like normal people. And so I feel like it's so hard for me to give advice in terms about like bouncing back from rejection because I'm like, well, that's sort of my skill.

Like you just don't get to do our jobs without being able to metabolize

Yeah. And I also think, like [15:09:00] another phrase I found myself trying to use like very recently too, is, Don't get bitter get better and like find out like what's hurting you about the rejection at its core like really deeply think like is it because you feel like you're being disrespected Is it because you feel like you're being devalued And then it's like, okay, well, how can I disprove that?

it's almost like it starts with the intention of I want to prove them wrong, but it's really proving yourself wrong. Because the rejection hurts because there's a part of you that believes that you deserve the rejection. So you have to then work in backwards and be like, why do I believe that and how can I change that?

And if you want to use that person rejecting you as a motivator, maybe it's not the most healthy thing, but sometimes it can have a healthy result, which is you actually proving yourself, no, I'm not going to reject that about myself. I know my skills. And if that person doesn't want them, then that's their loss.

Bran, I am obsessed with you.

Oh my god, that was fire advice. I love that [15:10:00] so much. I hope everybody listening just

took some notes. Yeah, wrote it down.

I feel like I would be remiss to let you go without asking.

What's the best cure for a hangover?

Don't drink. I'm saying there's no. Hangover cure if you're gonna drink like a fish you're gonna feel like shit and you have to take it on the chin every time i've been extremely like deathly hungover The night before was one of the most fun nights of my life, usually. I rarely have a really shitty night that also ends with a shitty hangover.

It's normally like, I didn't really have that good of a night, and I go home and I wake up fine. Or I have an amazing night, but I go home and I wake up like, feeling like shit. If you don't want to be hungover, then don't drink. you're dehydrating yourself. You're probably drinking lots of sugar.

You're probably doing a bunch of other shit that's not good for you. You're gonna be hungover, so accept it, and if you can't, don't drink.

 killer move.

This is so, I used to like, love flirting with people by like, telling them like, they were my crush. like if they would text me, I'd be like, ooh, it's my [15:11:00] crush. Like, how are you? I feel like an answer of confidence, but like, also like, flattering and like a cute, flirty, sexy way. Like, Oh wow.

they call me their crush. They're not like scared to tell me that I'm their crush. Like that would always, when, when someone would say that to me, my heart would like, I would see Dick like, yes. and I think it had the reverse effect too.

 I'm obsessed with that because I feel like it's a way of being like, I think you're hot, I'm into you, without saying that, which isn't scary. if I'm like, you're my crush, that doesn't... By the way,

crushes come

and

Yes,

exactly. It's like giving them just enough to inflate their ego without like also giving them all of your cards. It's

so fire. Okay, what's a date killer?

I mean, probably

getting hammered, flying off a bird

scooter.

definitely, definitely that, like definitely like acting in any form of like extremists. So like getting extremely drunk or like getting extremely political and then having like an opposite politics views, or like saying something [15:12:00] super like extreme, like whether it's misogynistic I'm pretty vulgar, but like, something that, like, almost, like, too gratuitous. Like, just, like, no. your first, the first dates, like, you should try to remain neutral, and if anything, like, warm up a little bit. you can, you can experiment a little with saying some loaded things, but if you're going too crazy and it's too soon,

killed.

What's one thing in your self love practice?

Oh, that's tough. I need to work on self love if I'm being super honest. I guess something that I do is I feel like I'm constantly obsessed with my shortcomings rather than celebrating my accomplishments. So, like, sometimes I will find myself, really dwelling on, like, small little things that are slowly eating at me, and I'll step, take a step back and be like, no, remember what you've accomplished.

And like, almost like self pep talks, like, giving yourself a pep talk and being like, no, you're, you are that bitch.

I also just want to tell you, it's weird. Every time I [15:13:00] ask a guy that question, they always respond with, that's something I need to work on.

Very interesting.

It is very interesting because I don't get that with, with, with women. And my last and final question is, what is the best love or dating advice you've ever received?

Ooh, that is so tough. I think that, just to put it simply, not everybody's journey is the same and not everyone loves the same way. and there's no, there's no rule book. There really is no rule book for love. If you spend time obsessing over little things, which we so frequently do over, If they haven't texted you back in this amount of things, they're not interested, or if they don't do this, then it's not gonna work, like, Focusing on little shit, like, if he wanted to, they would, like, all of that.

You will get so, dragged down by all of those little things that aren't true for every single person. They are true for some people, but they're not true for everybody. So accepting the fact that your path to [15:14:00] love does not look the same, does not need to look the same, and it won't look the same as your best friends, or your parents, or your siblings.

Everyone's is gonna look different, and the sooner you realize that, you start focusing on discovering what your love path will be, rather than comparing what your love path is to everybody else. Comparison really is the thief of joy. Um, and it's something everybody needs to work on, but I don't think we talk enough about how, like, people are constantly comparing their love and their relationship and their situationships to other people around them, and it really can just, just sabotage a good thing very quickly.

I fully agree. I mean, I guess that's our next. podcast topic. We'll just lead with that next time. So Brand Flakes, if

Yes.

of you,

how do they

Yeah, it's

bran2underscoresflakes, F L A K E Z Z on TikTok, and same thing on Instagram, just with one underscore, bran underscore flakes with two Zs on Instagram.

I love it. And people, you, you, you are constantly posting, you're [15:15:00] going live. People can get that content. You're on podcasts. You are influencer of the

year in Philly.